I don't know why.

Last night I went to sleep thinking about it. And for some reason, it still hurt. I don't get it. I mean, I understand why it upsets me. It was him. But, scientifically, how can something so mental hurt physically? How does that happen?

It's like, everytime I think about him, there is this tiny hand squeezing my heart a bit. And then I stop and the hand lets go, almost as if to warn me. Almost as if, if I kept on thinking about him, the hand would squeeze my heart till it stopped. I'm too scared to ever think about him. I want the squeezing to stop.

But now it's good. He hates me. I made him hate me. It's easier that way on me. That way he stays away from me even more and doesn't ever come near me. And that way, I get a little satisfaction thinking, even though he's probably ignoring me all on his own, but in my own little mind, I'm gladly thinking that I forcefully made him hate me and want nothing to do with me.

I don't want anyone knowing how hurt I really am. Never show anyone your weaknesses. Never show anyone where your knees break.