New Story Part 1.

There were probably over a million things that caused me to do what I did on July 8, 2008. I was 22 and had just graduated from college realizing that I had no idea what my purpose now in life was. You spend your entire life chained to education and when it cuts those chains, you're left wondering what to do with yourself. Being done with school was like a kidnapped child experiencing Stockholm Syndrome. You never wanted to be there, but you grew accustomed to it and so you stayed. But I can't say that was it. It was the constant reminders of all my failed relationships. It was my rejection from graduate school. It was the realization that I hated kids and now I graduated with a degree in teaching. It was my sick mother who was losing it mentally and physically. It was my father who constantly lied and broke promises. Looking back at all these excuses, I see that I made a mistake in doing what I did. That there were other solutions. That I could have started over. I could have done anything but what I did on that night. After all, my problems were NOTHING compared to other people. I didn't experience Hurricane Katrina. I wasn't abused for years and years. I wasn't roaming the streets doped up on drugs. But life just...didn't make sense to me. This rock I am sitting on is cold. It's all I have besides darkness. I don't even know what I am waiting for or where I am. This black rock and gravel flooring and darkness is all I see except for one single spotlight from some unknown source that is letting me see my own hands and feet. At least those are still there. I've been waiting for a while now on this rock. Strangely, I feel no hunger or any feeling, really. But I remember what I did, and apparently it worked. On July 8, 2008, I, Lorelei Leigh Hamilton, killed myself in my mother's house.

"You're ALWAYS losing my stuff!" I could hear my younger sister, Maeve, screaming at my mother. It was Monday morning and I had no reason to be awake. Maeve, on the other hand was getting ready to go to the beach for the week with her best friend. It was her first time actually being away from home for longer than a weekend. She convinced our mom that because she was now 15 and in high school, that she should be allowed to leave home for longer than a weekend. After an exchange of about 14 phone calls back and forth between our mom and her friend's mom, it was set. Maeve agreed and promised to call my mother at least twice a day. "Don't go with any boys," my mother screamed. Boys, to my mother, were the devil. After going through three divorces, in which one husband was abusive, she was positive that every man was put on the earth to hurt you. Lucky for me, I never brought any guys home, except for one that I had a serious relationship with. I remember as soon as I turned 15, my older sister Bianca warned me to never bring home guys I was interested in. I learned this lesson immediately when I brought my first boyfriend home to watch some TV. He wasn't that much of a boyfriend, rather a boy who liked me. As soon as he walked in the door, my mother grilled him on what he wanted to do when he was older and how he'd provide for his future kids. He was 12. As was I. Sufficient to say, we never talked again, but my entire middle school sure did have a laugh with that story.
But Maeve was my mother's angel. She was her youngest, most precious child and she was going to make sure it stayed that way. I watched as she raced back and forth in front of my bedroom door, which of course my mother left open so I could be woken up early. Each time she passed, she had something on different and wearing her hair in a different way. First long blond hair loose against her back. Then, curled blond hair in a bun. First, skirt. Then, dress. Then, jeans. Then, bathing suit with see-through dress. "You look like a hooker!" My mother yelled. Finally, long blond hair down light summer dress dangling on her waif-like body. Maeve got lucky with my mother's genes. She was frail and petite and angelic looking. She had blonde eyes and skin that didn't tan. She was a European looking princess. I was convinced my mother slept with the Jewish milkman before my birth. I had dark hair and dark eyes and pale skin. Not the nice pale, but the ghost-like pale that just screamed, "get a tan." My hair was wavy and always looked greasy, even though I showered every morning. I'm not saying I wasn't attractive, I'm just saying it took a lot of work. Suddenly my mother popped her head into my room. "Lorelei, please wake up. It's almost noon." She was lying. I could see clearly on my cell phone that it was only 9:41am. That day I had no interest in waking up. I was to be stuck at home alone...with the mother. She'd either spend the day saying how messy my room was or complain how my father was late again with the child support for Maeve. I had no interest in seeing any of my friends. They all had their quirks that just got to me. I really didn't feel like listening to Becky's latest guy drama, or why Sam hated working as an accountant so badly. I had just been dumped by my 3 year long relationship boyfriend about two months prior. It was around finals week, which was also why I bombed nearly all my finals. He crushed me. And now I was a dead rock with no substance. I didn't feel like doing anything. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to explain what happened. I just wanted to bury myself in my bed until the feeling subsided. But it never did. And by three months, I had enough of laying motionless in my bed hoping the next day would be better. I had enough of people worrying about me with their cliche advice. "Oh, Lorelei, he wasn't good enough for you anyways." Or, "Lorel, you'll find a better guy and look back at Vince and laugh." None of that was helping. I still thought the world of Vince and now he was gone. I wasn't good enough for him and I couldn't think otherwise. Every day I asked myself what I did wrong and what I could have done to make it better. And then I'd remember there was no point because he'd never take me back. My head spun in circles and I was tired of talking to myself. I was tired of breathing and existing. I was tired of thinking that anti-depressants were going to change me. I was tired of wondering who I was and wondering what made me happy. "You need to find a hobby," Sam and Becky both told me. I had no hobbies. I wanted to watch Girl, Interrupted and Virgin Suicides and Eternal Sunshine over and over again until I cried everything out. But I couldn't cry anymore. I had passed that point. I didn't care if I died and thought, at least Vince feel guilty. I think the last straw was my mother coming into my room in the early evening. She mumbled something about going shopping and then began walking out the door. She then stopped. And turned around, as I heard her clearly say, "You know, maybe this is why Vince left you. You were just too lazy and messy for him." And then she walked out. I was dumbfounded. I couldn't believe how cold she was being and how little she cared. I wanted to show her. I wanted to show Vince. I wanted to show everyone that I reached out to in the past, that I was done. My body had given up. I wasn't a coward and I could end it. I got out of bed and ran to the kitchen. Tears were now pouring down my face. I hadn't cried in weeks and now I was drenched. I didn't want to stop. I didn't want to chicken out, so I rushed it all. The grabbing of my mother's pain medication and my own anti-anxiety medication. I grabbed the tylenol and the vodka and just swallowed everything I could. I started getting tired. And sick. Unbelievable pain shot in my stomach, but I kept on going. I think I collapsed at this point. I remember opening my eyes some time later and seeing floor and blood. I had no idea where the blood came from. I closed my eyes and the world turned to black.

I really wish there was something here for me to read. This rock isn't really comfortable. I've tried calling out a few times for anyone or anything. I tried walking for a bit but as soon as I'd walk away from the rock, I couldn't see anything. This can't be hell, can it? A rock with one small light overhead? Suddenly I head footsteps. Hurried footsteps and a clearing of the throat. I looked up. Who was I kidding? I can't see anything past my own hands and feet. The light was getting larger now. I now had a 5 foot radius of light around the rock. I heard muttering.
"Hello?" I stood up. Finally, a reason to stand up. The light radius was at 10 feet now and moving faster. And then I saw her. A tall brunette woman dressed conservatively. She was holding folders and a couple of books and an apple. She had black rimmed glasses and her hair up in a perfect bun.
"Sorry, I'm late." She spoke softly and opened a folder. Was I in some sort of doctor's office? Maybe I didn't die.
"Um..." I began. She put up her finger to hush me.
"Lorelei, right?" She asked peering up at me keeping her finger on a specific portion in her folder.
"Yeah, that's me. Where..." I began again. She hushed me again. This time she glanced at her watch and then sighed.
"Am I at the doctor's office?" I finally spit out.
"Sweetie, does this look like a doctor's office to you?" She huffed.
"Well, no, but...where am I?" I was starting to get frantic. She closed her folder and took off her glasses and glared at me.
"You're dead."
"So, heaven is just some rock to sit on?" I must be dreaming.
"You're not in heaven, Lorelei." What sick dreams these anti-depressants give me. I wondered when I'd wake up and for how long I have been sleeping and if I'll be terribly hungover.
"This isn't a dream." She was now staring at me. I could feel tears and I was losing my breath. But, I'm not breathing. What is going on?
"Who are you? Why is this happening to me?!" I was now screaming and crying uncontrollably.
"My name is Celeste. You killed yourself, Lorelei. You are not in Hell, but you are not in Heaven. You are in a waiting room and I am here to take you to your body. I cannot tell you any more." At this point, she grabbed my arm and rushed me through blackness as the spotlight followed us. We moved faster and faster and I worried I'd trip over something. I wondered to myself if I was dreaming, in which Celeste immediately spoke, "I assure you, you are not dreaming." Suddenly there was a flash of light and we were standing in what looked to be a hospital. I heard my mother's voice and ran towards it. She was standing at the front desk looking incredibly frantic.
"Mom!" I screamed at her as I started running towards her.
"She can't hear you." Celeste remarked. It felt like this woman was constantly right next to me. I screamed louder, but she did not hear even when I stood right next to her.
"My daughter!" She was screaming at the front desk staff. It was all becoming clear. It worked. I was dead. But I was here. Still in the world. I wanted my mother to know I was alright. She looked so lost and frantic. No one was helping her. Why was no one telling her where I was?! "My daughter! I can't find her! Is she here!?" She cried to a short Asian woman peering down at her computer screen trying to stay composed.
"Mam, what is her name?"
"Lorelei! Lorelei Hamilton! I am her mother, Gilda Hamilton. Her ex-boyfriend called me and said he found her on the floor and called the ambulance." She could barely speak. I somehow felt what she was feeling. She was confused and scared. But she knew, deep down what had happened. I felt her scan her memories. I felt her scan her head for thoughts remembering how depressed I was. She cursed herself for not seeing signs. She didn't want to say it out loud or even in her head. But she knew, deep down, why I was in the hospital.

Hehheh

[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:45:51 PM] something dazed: dude
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:45:56 PM] something dazed: i read a true blood spoiler
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:45:59 PM] something dazed: im very angry i saw it
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:46:05 PM] something dazed: it just popped out of nowhere
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:46:12 PM] mcborkon:
don't say a word

[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:46:31 PM] mcborkon:
does it ruin anything?

[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:46:32 PM] something dazed: this one time
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:46:37 PM] something dazed: me and diba were hanging out
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:46:48 PM] something dazed: and she and i really wanted to see 500 days of summer together
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:46:51 PM] something dazed: and i saw it first
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:46:54 PM] something dazed: and we were at the bar
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:47:02 PM] something dazed: and she goes "oh no you saw it!!?"
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:47:06 PM] something dazed: and i go "yeah"
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:47:26 PM] something dazed: and she goes "omg dont tell me if he gets her back. i wanna see it so bad"
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:47:33 PM] something dazed: and i go "but....i wanna tell you!"
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:47:35 PM] something dazed: and she goes no
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:47:45 PM] something dazed: and i scream "THEY BREAK UP! SHE GETS MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE!"
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:47:48 PM] something dazed: ahhahahah
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:47:48 PM] something dazed: so
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:47:55 PM] something dazed: now you know the type of person i am
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:47:59 PM] mcborkon:
don't do it

[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:48:03 PM] something dazed: its about sam
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:48:05 PM] mcborkon:
don't do it

[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:48:09 PM] mcborkon:
STOP


[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:48:09 PM] something dazed: its a
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:48:12 PM] something dazed: MARSHMELLOW
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:48:14 PM] something dazed: hahahahha
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:48:37 PM] mcborkon:
you such a dork

[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:48:44 PM] something dazed: well
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:48:45 PM] something dazed: actually
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:48:50 PM] something dazed: he could be a marshmellow
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:48:59 PM] something dazed: it is about sam
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:49:12 PM] mcborkon:
so how cold was it this morning?

[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:49:18 PM] something dazed: its actually really lame
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:49:19 PM] something dazed: i was mad
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:49:42 PM] mcborkon:
at the weather? cuz that's what we're talking about now

[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:49:47 PM] something dazed: no no no
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:49:49 PM] something dazed: come ooooon
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:49:52 PM] something dazed: we can both know together
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:49:58 PM] something dazed: you know im going to scream it at you when i see you
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:49:59 PM] mcborkon:
nope

[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:50:00 PM] something dazed: i promise you
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:50:16 PM] mcborkon:
i'll kick you in the groin

[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:50:17 PM] something dazed: wanna take some guesses?
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:50:48 PM] mcborkon:
hey, ask me how last night was.

[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:51:01 PM] something dazed: how was last night
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:51:13 PM] mcborkon:
eh, it was alright

[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:51:21 PM] something dazed: sigh
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:51:24 PM] something dazed: this is why i never ask
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:51:43 PM] something dazed: HES AN WIZARD
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:51:46 PM] something dazed: fuck
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:51:48 PM] something dazed: A WIZARD
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:53:02 PM] mcborkon:
actually, it was crazy. the first half of the night we hardly did anything. we were dragging our feet like you wouldn't believe. then after lunch we realized how terrible we were doing and we went nuts. we basically finished the whole thing last night in about three hours.

[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:53:17 PM] mcborkon:
tonight we only have a few odds and ends, might be out by midnight

[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:53:32 PM] something dazed: ah thats awesome
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:53:35 PM] something dazed: hes a wizard
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:54:10 PM] something dazed: WIZARD
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:54:17 PM] something dazed: rhymes with LIZARD
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:54:21 PM] mcborkon:
yeah, i was totally psyched. it felt really good to get it done

[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:54:32 PM] something dazed: i dont like you right now :/
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:54:56 PM] something dazed: fill in the blank
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:54:59 PM] something dazed: _______ OF OZ
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:55:28 PM] mcborkon:
i had two amp energy drinks, a pepsi, and gatorade last night

[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:55:34 PM] mcborkon:
blizzard

[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:55:46 PM] mcborkon:
blizzard of oz, the ozzy osborne album

[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:55:48 PM] something dazed: blizzard of oz?
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:56:17 PM] something dazed: FILL IN THE BLANK
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:56:23 PM] something dazed: NOBODY BEATS THE _____
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:56:37 PM] something dazed: A MENTALLY CHALLENGED PERSON IS ALSO CALLED A RET_____
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:56:47 PM] something dazed: Answer Key:
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:56:49 PM] something dazed: WIZ
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:56:51 PM] something dazed: ARD
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:56:54 PM] something dazed: hahahahhahaha

[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:57:31 PM] something dazed: no, hes not really a wizard.
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:57:37 PM] something dazed: but thatd make more sense than what he really is
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:57:40 PM] mcborkon:
retard is not PC. i truly hope your supervisor doesn't see that post

[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:57:48 PM] something dazed: your face is not PC

[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:58:10 PM] something dazed: hes a witch
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:58:14 PM] something dazed: like he does spells
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:58:44 PM] mcborkon:
i always hated the spelling bee. i was never any good

[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:58:53 PM] something dazed: maaaagic spells
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:59:03 PM] something dazed: are you mad i ruined it?
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:59:14 PM] something dazed: how mad are you right now
[Wed Jan 6 2010 03:59:15 PM] mcborkon:
one time i had to leave a spelling test because my cheek was literally hooked on my braces

[Wed Jan 6 2010 04:00:18 PM] mcborkon:
UGH

[Wed Jan 6 2010 04:00:24 PM] mcborkon:
more nostradamus

[Wed Jan 6 2010 04:00:30 PM] mcborkon:
i need coffee

[Wed Jan 6 2010 04:00:36 PM] mcborkon:
and a shower

[Wed Jan 6 2010 04:00:58 PM] mcborkon:
and some luvin

[Wed Jan 6 2010 04:01:22 PM] something dazed: youre so mad you cant even talk about it

What happened to me? And where did I go?

NMH - I Will Bury You In Time

I hope it goes well
I hope your dad's good
I hope you've got presents
That make you pretty happy
I hope you grow old and
I hope that you find somebody nice

But I can't come to your party, 'cause I think that I'm dead

We still live in the same town, now don't we?
But I don't see you around anymore.
I go to all the same places.
Not even a trace of you.

Your days are numbered at 24.

I feel no sympathy.
You live inside a cave.

Theres no need to apologize.
I got no time for "feeling sorry."

why cant you just fall off the face of the earth?