I really ought to stop dating singers.

Their bodies always leave my car but their voices stay behind.

And it's enough to drive you mad.

She cried, "I'm sinking."

Now how I remember you
How I would push my fingers through
Your mouth to make those muscles move
That made your voice so smooth and sweet
Now we keep where we don't know
All secrets sleep in winter clothes
With one you loved so long ago
Now he don't even know his name

I don't want to be here anymore.

Eating me alive.

Super.

Viewtiful Ryan (8:19:35 PM): no halllooween partyin?
something dazed (8:19:42 PM): nope
Viewtiful Ryan (8:19:48 PM): whys that
something dazed (8:20:40 PM): dont wannt be around people
Viewtiful Ryan (8:20:44 PM): gosh
Viewtiful Ryan (8:20:48 PM): wierdo
something dazed (8:21:24 PM): thanks

It always feels like

I am the last person left living on this world.

youforgetmust

It's been a long time since before I've been touched.
Now I'm getting touched all the time.
And it's only a matter of whom.
And it's only a matter of when.

Choke.

The hand is squeezing exceptionally hard at my heart. I don't want to cry anymore. I refuse to. You mean nothing. nothing. nothing.

No.

I refuse to take part in the cliche halloween festivities this year. I'd really like for people to stop making me change my mind. I won't. I am going to enjoy doing laundry and homework alone and then spending the night in the city watching scary movies and drinking hot cocoa. Leave me alone.

friend:
you should get a last minute costume

me: why? so i can go to some stupid drunken party and get hit on by some drunken douche who just wants ass?

friend:
yep
you spend 99% of the year dressed as boring ol' alex
you get a few handful of days where its acceptable to mix it up as much as you like
take advatange of not leading a boring life!

me:i like my boring life, thank you.

friend:
whatevah helps you sleep at night

me:
lots and lots of vicodin

Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

"Blackness swims toward you like a school of eels who have just seen something that eels like a lot."

I don't know why.

Last night I went to sleep thinking about it. And for some reason, it still hurt. I don't get it. I mean, I understand why it upsets me. It was him. But, scientifically, how can something so mental hurt physically? How does that happen?

It's like, everytime I think about him, there is this tiny hand squeezing my heart a bit. And then I stop and the hand lets go, almost as if to warn me. Almost as if, if I kept on thinking about him, the hand would squeeze my heart till it stopped. I'm too scared to ever think about him. I want the squeezing to stop.

But now it's good. He hates me. I made him hate me. It's easier that way on me. That way he stays away from me even more and doesn't ever come near me. And that way, I get a little satisfaction thinking, even though he's probably ignoring me all on his own, but in my own little mind, I'm gladly thinking that I forcefully made him hate me and want nothing to do with me.

I don't want anyone knowing how hurt I really am. Never show anyone your weaknesses. Never show anyone where your knees break.

Oh Comely

Place your body here,
Let your skin begin to blend itself with mine.

Please stop.

And you can do no wrong
In my eyes
In my eyes
You can do no wrong
In my eyes
In my eyes

Why?

He finally has me.
After all these years of crying and begging.
He has me. All of me.
Why. Why. Why is he pushing me away.
Why?
I don't like cages.
And the bars are slowly being constructed.

After years of waiting
After years of waiting nothing came
And you realise you're looking,
Looking in the wrong place

I'm a reasonable man
Get off my case.
Get off my case.
GET OFF MY CASE.

Back to Brooklyn.

And it's back to Brooklyn tomorrow night with Kamila.

I keep thinking tonight is Friday.

Appear.

It's all boiling over
All boiling over
Your little voice
Your little voice

No more conversation
No more conversation
You should took me out when you had the chance
You should took me out when you had the chance
All the rooms were numbered
And the losers turned away
Don't turn away
Don't turn away

I love my guy friends.

me:
i hate trevor.
i hate how i meant nothing to him.
and how he could care less we no longer talk.

piperknocker:
again wha thappened now?

me:
nothing. just. he doesnt care we dont talk.
hes living his life
i was nothing.
i was a brief intermission
makes me sick
im everyones brief intermission

piperknocker:
then try to stop being that.

me:
how?

piperknocker:
i don't know. but ifgure out
we werent an intermission
we turned to something else

me:
we are a rare breed.
it took the both of us to get to where we are.
i wish trevor took the dane route.
itd be cool to be friends with him
and i was going to do that with him
but he said he needed time to be able to be friends with me
and i couldnt do that
i got over you by being more around you.
and being friends with you

piperknocker:
i'm not a douche bag at heart. even if i get moments where i do something cause i want something from it
and i realized even if you way different from me you have a good heart and you mean well
i also get self righteous and occasionally felt like me doing this was right cause you didn't deserve to betreated like crap

me:
i guess trevor didnt feel the same way

piperknocker:
well he may be a nice guy but he's apparently a douche bag

Sadness.

Everyone knows that I hate Thanksgiving and Christmas.

"What!? How could you?" They ask.

But no one knows.

Thanksgiving and Christmas used to be great. Since I was 15, I had a boyfriend's family that had adopted me and I was with them now. I never did anything with my own. I don't really have a family.

And now I'm alone this year..again.

Last Thanksgiving I remember getting Chinese food and eating alone and setting a aplate for Sadie at the table. And we ate together. I'll do that again this year.

And then Christmas. When it's snowing. And everyone else is with their family opening presents with smiling faces, I'll be sleeping in. Empty house. No laughter. Just silence and never ending loneliness.

No one knows this. This is why I am the person I am.

I don't let myself get close to people. I guess sometimes it's easier being alone.

Keep it together, Alex. You're strong now. No one lets you down now. You're alone and you are strong and you don't need anyone to make you happy. Stay focused. In two months you will be gone and these people will be stuck in this ugly town in their boxed lives running in circles like chickens with their heads cut off.

I'd rather hate the world and have the world hate me than be tricked by it, love it, and be hurt by it.

People live to watch you cry.

I was your brief intermission.

Man you make me sick.

Belle&Sebastian

Honey, loving you is the greatest thing
I get to be myself and I get to sing
I get to play at being irresponsible
I come home late at night and I love your soul
I never forget you in my prayers
I never have a bad thing to report

You're my picture on the wall
You're my vision in the hall
You're the one I'm talking to
When I get in from my work
You are my girl, and you don't even know it
I am living out the life of a poet
I am the jester in the ancient court
You?re the funny little frog in my throat

Story.

Once upon a time on a cold February morning, a mother gave birth to two of the most beautiful identical twin boys. Erik Nathaniel and Justin David. It wasn't that their faces were as pure as anything you've ever seen. It wasn't their soft brown hair. No, it was the color of their eyes. Something you've never seen. A radiant flashing blue that shone. And on days they were sad, they were gray. On their happiest days, they were vibrant. Almost fake. For Justin, they glittered the brightest on the day he finished his first car with his father. For Erik, it was the day he met his first true love at the nearest coffee shop.

And the mother adored both boys. Showered them with gifts and love. The father showered them with love and knowledge of the world. Justin became his right hand wing-man. Erik became the mother's pride and joy. Excelling in every subject in school and destined to be a lawyer, like his mother, or architect. Their lives weren't ordinary. They lived in the largest house in town. The mother was the owner of her own large law firm and the father was a mass collector of luxury and exotic cars and once held the title for owning the most in the US. Yet, the boys were brought up to not be spoiled, only rewarded. Luckily, for both, they excelled in everything. By the time he was 12, Justin knew exactly what made a car run and all its parts. By 9, Erik could define every law vocabulary word you'd name.

But at 17, tragedy struck. The house was dark. Mother was at work, as she often was. The nannies were all fired, for the boys no longer needed them. The maids were off duty. Erik was off spinning in abandoned factory parking lots with the girl he wished he could have, but never looked at him that way. Justin slowly opened the door.

"Dad? Why aren't you working on the jag? I'm not doing it alone." He flipped the welcome room's lights on. The ceiling lit. The stairs lit. Silence. He heard a faint radio playing. Sports talk. He followed the noise to the basement. His hair stood up on his arms. He laughed it off and pictured his father sculpting another car in the basement on paper at his desk and now was excited to see what kind. Yet, his feet told a different story as he quietly crept down the stairs.

"Dad?" He called once more. His insides were screaming for him to leave. As if they knew something he didn't. He rounded the corner. And that's when he saw it.

By the next morning, none of the boys spoke a word. Hospital nurses ran by. Doctors were consoling a distraut mother breaking at the knees. Erik held onto his mother and became her support. Justin. Justin was no longer himself. That night in the basement, his soul went with his father's. And now he was a hollow shell whose eyes never came back.


--This was something I wrote years ago about Erik and his brother. I'd finish typing it but, it's long and I'm at work. I'll continue later.

RIP

Today is the anniversary of Erik's father's death. I woke up and I could hear his brother's cries down the hall. Poor little Harrison boys.

And this is the room
One afternoon I knew I could love you
And from above you how I sank into your soul
Into that secret place where no one dares to go

And your mom would drink until she was no longer speaking
And dad would dream of all the different ways to die
Each one a little more than he could dare to try

You weren't missed at Loop.

Awesome night tonight at Loop. Great people. No unwanted faces. Thank god. Laughed endlessly with Kamila about stupid people and scheming plans and doing evil plan laughs.

"Why is it not zoomed in?"
"because its zoomed out."
"uhhhh....yeeeah?"

"yo shawty do yuh know where i ken get sum weeed at?"
"kamila, did he just ask us where he can get a wii?"
"i think so"
"uh, best buy?"
"huh shawty?"
"did you say a wii?"

"i need to get some (about to sneeze) FUEL!"
"whoa"
"sorry midsneeze"
"did you just say fuel?"
"BA DA DA BA DA DA DA DA"
"ALEX jeez you're getting the fuel!"

"when he told me had to go pee and he anunciated the P in pee, i felt a hurricane hit my face, i blinked and everything"

"see the zombie make up people?"
"yeah"
"i dare you to go up to them and not notice them and then see them and scream"

"this is my friend alex."
"oh no kamila."
"she wants your number."
guy: "yeah sure"
"oh god kamila why? sorry i have no pen."
"do you have your phone?"
"kamila!"
"uh yeah"
"ok my numbers is 2..."
"wait, i dont have my phone yet"
"oh you have my phone!"
"yeah its great"
"uh, i hate mine."
"oh yeah i think it sucks.:"
"ok so yeah 201..."
"name?"
"just alex"
(says his name at this point which i completely dont hear"
"cool, have a good night."
"lets get out of here kamila. thanks."

Maybe I should at least tell my close friends I am dating Erik. Oh well. No one will know.

Then I saw Chris at loop. He looked good. He wanted to talk more. But I had to go. Sigh. He looked good.

Well. Time for sleep and cuddles with my boy. He snores funny but smells amazing and is the sweetest to wake up to.

I go through this at least 2 times a day.

Guy: Hey, my name's mike, I'm a friend of Steve's
Me: super
guy: thought you seemed cool, wanted to say hi
me: hi
guy: have we ever met?
me: no. i don't go out much anymore.
guy: oh? whys that?
me: because people annoy me.
me: i really don't like people.
guy signs off.

FTW!

I think you need one period

Breakfast in bed.

This song always made me think of Erik. The last lines (omitted here) reminded me of the heartache for Chris. But the beginning was always Erik, maybe perhaps he has maids and had a NYC flat. And now I listen to this song and smile because all the bad people and choices are gone and now it's just him.

We should order up, wash the wine out of the coffee cup
They got bread and fruit, there's probably not much else for you.
We can lay around, you can kiss me til the maids come kick us out.

It's eleven now so make every second count
But back in New York they can't ever find this out
There are things we do, that we're really not allowed
We can say anything, but we just can't say it loud.

LaminaCollective

Now I think it's alright we're together
Now I think that's a riot
Now I think it's the best you've ever played it
Now I think that's a riot
Now I think it's alright to feel inhuman
Now I think that's a riot
Now I think it's alright, we'll sing together
Now I think that's a riot

Teehee.

My boyfraaan lookz like a walking american apparel ad everyday. Today is yellow AA day.

"Alex, is it bad when I start matching my boxers to the car im driving that day."
"Nah. But, can I checkz every day to make shuuuurrrrs? :)"

Censored? No.

Secretely you're so amused that no one understands you.

True love waits.

And true love waits
In haunted attics
And true love wins
On lollipops and crisps

Just don't leave, don't leave

I'm not living
I'm just killing time
Your tiny hands
Your crazy kiss and smile

Daydreaming.

I wrapped you inside my coat
When they came to firebomb the house
I didn't feel pain, 'cause no one can touch me
Now that I'm held in your spell.

I never cared before.
I never cared before.

Now this is excitement.

Thom Yorke, Drive-in movie theaters, Mont Tremblaunt, Band video shoot in NYC.
Life couldn't be more exciting. Finally. I don't even care that it's raining cats and dogs outside.

I'm watching videos of Erik's band and man, I am worried. Everyone in the band is ridiculously good looking. And it doesn't help that Erik and Justin are both in it since they are mirror images of each other. Sigh. How'd I get so blessed? He could be dating a supermodel. I've looked like hell since he's got here. Sigh. Anyways.

Loop tonight.

Don't show your face and ruin my night. Go infest some place else.

Singing.

Erik and I sang Taylor Swift at the top of our lungs in the car today. He's so cute. he brought me cough drops. I didn't want to tell him that they won't work. I'll try and cough a lot less near him so he thinks they do.

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you was fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town

And I said
Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head, I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring
And said

Marry me, Juliet, you'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It's a love story, baby, just say yes

Keep making me the person I should be.

Want eats now.

Cuddles.

He drops to his knees. Says,
"Please, my love, please,
I'll kill who you hate.
Take off that dress,
you won't freeze."

I no longer care about anyone here. No one can hurt me anymore now that I have the one person whose always protected me.

Go fuck off and don't read my blog. You were in my life. You had a small part in upsetting me for a few weeks. OF COURSE ILL WRITE ABOUT YOU. Get over it and grow a pair.

Lolz.

ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT

Sick Drive.

Erik just took me for a ride today in his new car. It was hilarious. We drove in the woods and blasted the radio and sang along to all the corny songs. It was like how me and Chris were. Not to compare. But it was so fun. It's just the fun moments you look back on and you realize that you enjoy life. I remember once being in a car with Trevor and he knew none of the songs on the radio. Car rides were boring with him. It was a dramatic long movie you wanted to rip your eyes out to. And I remember it made me miss car rides with Chris so much more. But thats how everything was with him. Everything was so serious and...I don't know. He was a snooty person. He was those kids in the South Park Episode making fun of the Cure. Those gothic kids. Minus the gothicness. You know? I mean, i get like that. But all the time? Live sometimes. Have some fun. And don't dramatize it.


But now Erik is back and I couldn't be happier about that. The pounding headache has set in though. It won't stop. Back to laying in bed again.

Outcasted

freaks.

I wish

some people would act more American. You just creep me out now. Embrace the life you were born into and stop worshiping and following someone else's. No wonder you liked so many freaks.

I need to get out of this bed.

It's killing me staying here stuck here motionless unable to breathe or swallow. Erik came back and watched movies with me. We watched Pet Sematary.

He likes so many things I've never even heard of its intense. All these old foreign documentaries. He says he wants to show me them all while I'm sick and fill me with some "worldly knowledge." I responded that just because he graduated from Oxford he can't think hes smarter than me in everything. Although he is. But I won't let him know that.

I tried telling him about Trevor but I stopped myself realizing that what Trevor did to me, I did to Erik. Although for Erik it was magnified. Hes loved me since I was 15 and had to watch me go from guy to guy getting hurt and consoling me and waiting. I feel horrible. He seems like such a strong person now. He doesn't do drugs anymore. Thank god. And his band is still doing amazing surprisingly since he's been away. Now they can start shows again which I am excited about. Erik showed me all the new material and it literally gave me goosebumps. Talent in a nutshell. Just flawless. His voice has never sounded clearer, smoother, and more beautiful. I seriously melted. And although I knew all the love songs were written about me, it hurt hearing the ones about how much pain I brought him and a lot of words he used to describe me. I asked him if thats how he really felt about me and he swore he was only angry and theyre just songs.

I don't want to get scared. I mean, it's Erik. He's different. He's ALWAYS stuck around. Maybe things could be different this time. We're finally both on the same page after all these years.

Irony.

"Please be there for me when I come home in October."

Erik is finally home from London at Oxford graduated. I am so proud of him. Top of his class. As tough as it was for me, it was a good decision for him to go to London to finish school. He had too many distractions here. Mainly me. His mom got him a brand new Jag of course. I couldn't help but laugh. Anyways. Hes always wanted me. Since I was 15. Perfect dream guy. Smart. Gorgeous. Rich. Successful. Sweet. Talented. I mean, you name it. And Ive always had a boyfriend. So we remained friends. Then best friends. Then the entire stunt with Chris happened and it drove him insane and he had to leave because he couldnt stand me being so hurt over someone so shitty.

And so he's back. And I'm single. And...It doesn't even matter. Because I'm sick. And I don't know when or if I'll get better.

He came over today and laid with me in bed and I cried and apologized a million times for not choosing him and for ruining everything. And he held me and I remembered why I've always loved him.

Since I'll obviously be in bed on Halloween weekend, he even said he'd skip his first halloween back here to lay in bed with me and watch movies all night. Seriously, a sweet heart.


Regardless, I'm scared. Very scared. Seeing blood every time I cough is something I will have to get used to.

Scared.

Coughing up blood. I can't stop crying. I am terrified.

Consistent

Hospital Visits. 105 fever and things are gray.

Stay there.

5 AM Wake up Call

Just got woken up by a dream. It's 5 AM and I'm drenched in sweat.

I had a dream where you took me for a ride on a Jet ski. You grinned as I got on and said you were going to try and knock me off. I begged you to not go so fast because I'm scared of waves hitting my face if I fell off. You looked at me and said, "Darling, there are going to be waves sucking you in in real life. You have to get used to it." Needless to say, I woke up before you got the chance to throw me off.

Metaphorical?

Another Vicodin and its back to bed.

Tonight I feel good. And it's not just the pain killers. I don't know you anymore. It is done. And it's a huge weight off my shoulders. No more trying so hard to show you how much I care about you. Call me obsessed. Whatever. But I would have given you the world.

I feel relieved though. No more handstands and cartwheels to get your attention.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,568982,00.html

Stories like that make me sad. This innocent girl with such life and potential getting killed by someone. And here I still am. Blowing through lights and infecting myself and not eating. And nothing ever happens.

the more i try to erase you
the more the more the more that you appear

no, you're alone you're alone, you're alone

You make me feel like the lowest being alive. Like I am worth nothing. And I could say it hurts. But all you'd do is cry about how awful you feel. God, you're pathetic.

You found someone new.
I will remain happy for you.
I will remain happy for you.

I always knew this day would come.
Relax and breathe.

sitting around, no work today
try pacing to keep awake
laying around, no school today
just drink until the clock has circled all the way

it's late afternoon
as you walk through the rooms
of a house that is quiet
except for unanswered telephones
you stand near the sink
you're mixing a drink
you think you don't want to pass out
where your mother will find you again

stumble around the neighborhood with nothing to do
you're always looking for something
to sniff, smoke, or swallow
calling over next door to see what they got
but you would settle for anything
that would make your brain slow down or stop
break this circle of thoughts you chase
before they catch back up with you
and your parents noticied your thinning face,
all the weight you lost--
all the weight you are losing

you said, "i'm done feeling like a skeleton
no more sleep walking dead"
you're going to wake from this coma
you're going to crawl from this bed you have made
and stop counting on that camera
that hangs round your neck
because it won't ever remember
what you choose to forget
as you try to find some source of light
try to name one thing you like
you used to have such a longer list
and light you never had to look for it
but now it's so easy-- it's so easy to
it's so easy-- it's so easy to
second guess everything you do
until all you want is all you want is to
to finish this half empty glass
before the ice all melts away
this feeling always used to pass
but seems like it's every day
it seems like it's every night now

The only thing worse than a horrible person is a person who complains about being a horrible person and does nothing about it.

It's hurting less and less. But I'm also liking you less and less as a person.

Interesting.

So, well well, I am sick again. I can't say I'm surprised. Last night was good though. Jay decided to take me out to eat because he knows I haven't eaten in days. So we go to Tops Diner in Harrison. Wow. Amazing diner. I got a whole lot of food and ate only the salad. Then back to Jay's house to watch TV and eat some amazing cheese cake. I like hanging with him. I have my walls up so I'm trying not to get attached. People seem to not like it when I like them. So, for now we're just hanging out. He's really funny and I don't think I've ever laughed so hard with a guy. He's also really layed back and smart in a common sense type of way and very reasonable. Who knows. I don't want to get myself excited only to be let down again. Keeping to myself has been working for me lately. Sort of.

I wish I'd stop waiting for someone to cradle me and just do it myself.

I'm starting to get really worried that my body is going to eat itself alive. Its not accepting any other type of food. Either I gag before eating it or I throw it up. I keep missing work. All I do is sleep. What is wrong with me? Theres this empty pit in my stomach. I can feel it. And it's just sitting there.

Feel Good Revolution

If only I can trap this happy state of mind and hold it for a little while longer. Perhaps place it in a knapsack and carry it with me when you're not feeling so generous.


You cannot kickstart a dead horse
You just crush yourself and walk away
I don't care what the future holds
'Cause I'm right in your arms today
With your fingers you can touch me

I'm for spare parts, broken up.

This summed me up perfectly.

This sums up how I felt. But now it is closed.

I'm in a skip divided malfunction
I flap around and dive bomb
Frantically around your light
Enveloped in a sad distraction
I got your voice repeating endlessly
Could you guide me in?
Could you smother me?

I swoop around your head
But I never hit
I'm blinded by your daylight
Electric veins pass through me
I thought there was this big connection

I'm known to bite in tight situations
And I head into your french windows
I thought there was a big connection
I only got my name I only got my situation
I just need my number and location

And my mum keeps telling me
Hey hey hey hey hey hey
The devil may
Hey hey hey hey hey hey


You are a fool
For sticking round
Yeah you are a fool
For sticking round

I tried every trick in the book
I tried to look and knew
Every trick in the book
But how come I look?

No more common dress or elliptical caress
Don't look into your eyes cause I'm desperately in love
In love

When you walk in the room everything disappears
When you walk in the room it's a terrible mess
When you walk in the room I start to melt
When you walk in the room I follow you round

Like a dog, I'm a dog, I'm a dog, I'm a lapdog
I'm your lapdog, yeah

I need to stop thinking that if I run from you, I'll sometime turn around and see you chasing after me. It just won't happen.

I'd be a hypocrite if I was angry at someone who didn't appreciate someone who cares about them. I do it every day. I am my own worst enemy. I need to go for a car ride and just be there for myself. Because in the end, I am the only person listening to myself talk.

I need to start paying attention more to the people who are there for me and genuinely care for me instead of those who can care less.

I feel like such an awful person. I have Jenn constantly asking to see me she told me she wants to make sure I am okay and wants to hear what I am going through. She actually wants to sit next to me and hear the things that haunt me. She is willing to take a break from being pregnant and all these things to hear about ME. And all I do is shun her away. I have Matt asking me if I'm okay every night and asking if I need anything. I have countless nice guy asking to take me out to eat and listen about my life. Actually ASK ME QUESTIONS ABOUT MY LIFE AND TALK TO ME. They actually are interested in what I have to say. And I shun them.

All I can do is devote my time to someone....forget it. I don't even want to talk about this anymore. I am too ashamed of myself.

Loneliness will eat you alive until you're nothing. It's been doing it for years for me. And no one seems to care.

Yeah.

Pete: "Do you ever wonder how someone could even like you?"
Ben: "All the time, man. Like every day. I wonder how you like me."
Pete: "How can Debbie like me? She likes me. I mean, she loves me. The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. She loves me so much that she wants me around all the time. That's our biggest problem. And I can't even accept that? Like, that upsets me?"

No matter who the person is, anyone will walk all over you given the chance.

There is no such thing as unconditional.

I wish, for once, some one would just be on the same page as me.

I thought we were friends.

where have you gone

Where have you gone?
Please lift one finger so I know it is you.
Where have you gone?

You left your brown strings on your head
you left your green gems in your eyes
you left your frail bones under your knees
but where are you?

You were what I wanted to be.
Your entrails all over the street
And i'd pick them up one by one
and theyd fit perfectly on me

You are a black rock tossed at the bottom of the well.

Night Falls.

I just got home. 3:10am. About to go to sleep. Smiling turns into nothing. I miss you. I hope you are doing good out there.

Tonight

Tonight I had a great night. I was able to keep my mind off Trevor and just have a good time. Jay was a super cool guy to go see Paranormal Activity with and he held me whenever i'd scream. Then we got lost and took the wrong road back, but it's okay because we had great music accompanying it. Great outlook on life and we had an awesome conversation driving home. Definitely has to happen again. :)

IS..

I'm moving on. I'm actually really excited for new people to be in my life. And it seems like this is going to work. And we are really done.

Why am I so sad about it?

I think, it's just, such a shame.

But, I think we will make amazing band mates. And I am so very happy to have you in my life regardless. Ok. Time to go out and see Where the Wild Things Are. I hope your show is going well. I hope I occasionally pop you in your mind....Yeah...

I

I want you to know. No matter who is next to me at night.
I will always think the world of you.
You are my favorite piece.

Hehe

My god this boy is adorable. Smiling to myself. Watching Drag me to Hell in bed :)

Cut the kids in half.

Cut the strings.
One by one.
Boat for none.
Take a dive between the weeds

I want you to save me.
I want everyone to leave me be.
i want you to save me
please don't come after me.

lets make it too late
no pulse, blue hands
the stretcher is empty
i am lost at sea

Cut the strings
One by one
boat for none
i've taken a dive between the weeds

Roots

Roots and worms.
I am waiting down here.
Dirt and stems.
Mouth taped, you cant hear.

"I'm an animal trapped in your hot car."

You are not him. Not him.

There's an empty space inside my heart
That once held you but now I
Set you free
I set you free

Cause all I want is the moon upon a stick
Just to see what is
Just to see what gives

the bird that's flown into my room

Just

Just be my chemical
Lift me up
You don't have to stick around.

Open the curtain and make an appearance
Ill be your best audience
take a bow take a bow

You are my favorite act.

I will enjoy the breaks.

But you are my favorite act.

Run across the country.
Run your fingers through her hair
Feel your legs around anothers
Just return and give me a fix.

It is all I need.

Is that too much?

Every show ends
Every broadway play gets old.
So stay for a bit.

Lifesaver

i broke the glass trying to get out
frigid waters in the hudson
I think ill stay down here
i feel safe down here

can you bring me an extra gas tank
drop it in and give me your lips
ill suck any life out of you that i can
and that will do.

and then you can leave
run to her to them
run to your submarine bed

i dont want to tie you up in knots
i dont want your smell in my head
i dont want your hand grasping onto mine
i dont want your voice in my ears

i want your body imprint fresh on my sheets
i want your breathe in my oxygen tank

be the dream between
my narrowing tunnel with no light
and any good moves i make
be the dream in betwen

Thank you.

2 Painkillers.
2 Steroids.
3 Sleeping pills
3 Ativans.

This sleep will be glorious.

Losing it,

I am completely and utterly losing it. There is no reason for me to be here. It scares me every day how much I get closer and closer to actually just disappearing forever.

I wish someone would save me.

Anyone. Anything.

But it's not coming.

And I'm almost done waiting.

Not sure how much longer I can keep hanging on.

Unsympathetic.

My bent antennas have distorted your image of me.
Swallowing pills helps me sleep while you are out.
My words were a pinch on your skin and bones.
Your actions were the bullets through my mouth.

Let's stand and compare.
Your cheeks are dry.
That night I blew through every stop sign.

My life in a Radiohead song.

That there
That's not me
I go
Where I please
I walk through walls
I float down the Liffey
I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here

In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah it's gone
And I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here

Strobe lights and blown speakers
Fireworks and hurricanes
I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here

Pointless.

Well, after a long drive to the train station, and after a bunch of "Man you are such an amazing girl. I don't know what happened between us. You are so wonderful and beautiful"'s I realized that this ride was completely pointless.

Then I showed him where I worked and we pulled over to see the city skyline across the Hudson. "Let's go for a walk" He said. I knew where this was going. "Lets get back in the car. It's getting late."

Then a "I really want to kiss you." And I asked if he was seeing anyone, in which he replied he was. I then turned the other way and declined. "I hope to see you soon again."

Right. Fun. I'm tired of being someone's fun and that's it. Too bad he was incredibly adorable and successful. But, it is what it is. I'm glad that we could at least be sort of friends and I did have a good night with him.

I just really need to be alone right now. For myself. I really hope I don't meet anyone that will make me think otherwise because I have the worst flaw for falling for someone as soon as they tell me I'm beautiful. I need to focus on school. My last semester! And working better. And last but not least this music duo with Trevor, which couldnt make me happier, because I can actually be friends with him. I just hope it remains that way. I hope things don't get complicated. And as surprised as I am to say it, I hope he doesnt become a friend that I truely care and love and then has feelings for me. Because I've had too many friendships ruined to that and this is one I definitely care about keeping around. I would never want to hurt him and I know how I am. I don't ever go backwards. He is a great person and I know we can smoosh our creative abilities together and make something great.

Anyways. I'm babbling. I need to study. This week will be hectic. Back in the dating world just so I can meet new faces and replace old ones that are a bad influence and speak badly about me beneath their breaths. Date with Dave on Friday should be cute. Seeing Stefan and taking him to Loop on Wednesday should also be fun. I'm slowly warming up to him. Then seeing this guy on Saturday that my friend is setting me up with. Should be interesting. I just love meeting new people. And learning new things. I'm in no mood to settle down and fall for anyone. I fell for someone amazing and it was what it was. And I don't think I'll find someone like him again, so I'll stick to what I do best. Meeting and Deleting.

Sadie is observing the stars on my ceiling. I wonder if she can find the big dipper.

Man I love this dog.

beauty supreme.
Yeah, you were right about me.
But can I get myself out from underneath
This guilt that will crush me
and in the choir I saw our sad Messiah.
He was bored and tired of my laments.
Said, "I died for you one time, but never again"
Never again, never again.

Well I love you so much, but do me a favor baby, don't reply.
because I can dish it out, but I can't take it.

Well take me, take me back to your bed
I love you so much that it hurts my head
Say I don't mind you under my skin
I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in
When we were made we were set apart
Life is a test and I get bad marks
Now some saint got the job of writing down my sins
The storm is coming, the storm is coming in

Oh I'm in trouble.

Stupid butterflies. Stupid Stupid butterflies. He's some boy from the past. Man, why is he still so darn adorable. Of course I'm driving him to the train station tonight. Sigh.

I'm glad.

We raked away the dead leaves.
The dying trees have been plowed.
The rotten apples have all been picked.
We dressed as garbage collectors and
cleaned up our roads.
Shedding off the old skin.
So we can now begin.
Winter is coming.
Winter is coming.
Let's make a New Years soundtrack.

It's Impossible to Find a Parking Spot in Alphabet City

Around my birthday, I met this great guy Chris. We dated for a month and things were amazing. Movie magic. Of course, I wasn't ready to settle down so things went sour. He made me learn a lot, and although he did too see my ugly side, I'm extremely glad we can be friends now. In fact I will be seeing him tonight since he is back in Jersey visiting his parents. I love how things work out sometimes. But anyways, this is a song I wrote about him..

It's Impossible to find a spot in Alphabet City

it was my birthday

you had joined me for a smoke

my friend warned you about me

but you didn't care

it took only minutes for you to wisk me

away to the city

you said i was beautiful

you couldnt help but stare

snap of fingers

we were in your shower

brushing our teeth

and laughing till it hurt

you traced my bodies outline

like a crime scene

my blood went cold

as i sank my teeth into your shirt

the sheep started soring

you played the piano for me

the village was still moving

you played the piano for me

it blocked out the traffic

and eased me to sleep

id wake up next morning

you left a note that read

"here is money for coffee

and a breakfast sandwich my sweet"

i wandered the streets on st marks

and smiled at the bums

i smelt you off the shirt on my back

as the sidwalk scorched my feet

snap of fingers

we were in your kitchen

the salmon was burning

and the brocolli reeked

you placed me on the counter

and held your nose

i said sorry for the stink

you smiled and told me not to speak

the sheep started soring

you played the piano for me

the village was still moving

you played the piano for me

it blocked out the traffic

and eased me to sleep

it was not long until i said goodnight to st. marks

my ugly side stained your satin sheets

it was not long until i said goodnight to alphabet city

i had made my escape

Hmm.

No more going to the dark side with your flying saucer eyes
No more falling down a wormhole that I have to pull you out

The wriggling, squiggling worm inside
Devours from the inside out
No more talk about the old days
It's time for something great

I want you to get out
And make it work
So many lies
So many lies
So many lies

So feel the love come off of them
And take me in your arms
Peel all of your layers off
I want to eat your artichoke heart
No more leaky holes in your brain
And no false starts

I wanna get out
And make it work
So many lies
So many lies
So many lies

So feel the love come off of them
And take me in your arms

I wanna get out
And make it work
I want you to get out
And make it work

I'll be ok

So many lies
So many lies
So many lies

So feel the love come off of them
And take me in your arms

I know everything.

I know exactly what happened. And exactly what went wrong. I just wish you would have been honest. You cant grow a new garden with weeds still there.

How is

How have you been. Hows the band. How'd recording go. Are you feeling good? What'd you do this weekend? Are you going to Loop on Wednesday? How are your classes?

These are things I would have asked you. But we're not friends, and I can't speak to you. It's better if I just assume the answers in my head.

Remembering

I just remembered how much I love dating. Nothing serious. Just dating someone for two weeks and moving on. I'm actually having fun and this weekend should be a blast.

Busy.

I hope you always find someone to take you home.
To put you into bed, kiss your cheek and check your pulse.
Make sure you're still breathing with their hand up to your nose.
I wish that could be me, but it's just not possible.

Second chance

I'm going to do it the right way this time.

Take things slowly.

Keep my walls only half up.

I'm incredibly blessed to meet such an amazing person right after meeting the worst person I've ever met.

Keeping my fingers crossed and finally going to sleep with a huge smile on my face.

Why

I wish I could go back to my past self that read everything you wrote and whisper to her, "He's a fake and a liar and a phony. His words are cries for attention and pity. There is no heart behind it."

Everything you write now makes my stomach churn.

Well maybe good people do exist.

Well, things just perked up a bit.

Upon hearing that I was sick and and unable to do anything, this guy Dave I met at Loop Lounge a few nights ago showed up at my house with soup for me. Vegetable Soup at that! I mean, my jaw dropped. I was beyond shocked and delighted by the surprise. I've always loved surprises and I don't get them nearly enough as I'd like to. We then sat outside on my steps as I sat in my robe with my hair a complete mess eating my soup as he sat next to me drinking a Vitamin Water. I must have looked like a starved homeless child. So I started laughing and apologized for not getting dressed for him.

And he smiled and told me that he thought I was gorgeous. I responded that my insides weren't in the same fashion and are often pretty ugly to the public eye. And he laughed and looked the other way and said, "Let me decide that for myself."

And then he was kind enough to let me continue my studying and kissed me on the cheek. Although, I'm thinking now he kissed me on the cheek, not to be cute, but because he didnt' want to get sick. Haha. Regardless, it was incredibly sweet of him. To drive all the way here to bring me soup only to stay about half an hour.

/Smiling sigh.

I am not this person.

I am a strong person. No one's actions or thoughts affect me. Where have I gone? Why have I let a minuscule nobody affect me so much?

I am ten times better than the words other people say about me. I know all sides of every story and I take it into account. I've been an independent person for over a year now. Where have I gone?

Snapping out of it.

I layed in bed today and stared at my white boring walls. I never decorated my room because I knew I never wanted to be a prisoner to my own room. I don't make anything homey because I've never really had a home, or a place I've felt comfortable in. I get restless and bored staying in one place and I love to always be moving.

So as I stared at my white wall today, I thought to myself, "I have so much ahead of me." I have so much to look forward to. I have a million new people I have yet to meet. I have a million more first kisses and falling in love moments left to live. My life is just starting. In January, I'll be done with New Jersey. My time here will be expired and I'll move onto new and better things. And the people that have hurt me so much will stay here. And infest New Jersey some more and turn it into what its become. A pit of poisonous cruel soul-less sorry excuse for what humans should be.

Time to continue studying. Doctor's appointment at 4:30pm to hopefully get some pain killers because I can't even move or speak. Then Intro to Law Exam.

Hm, then what. Stat HW I guess. And avoiding all contact with people that made me forget who I really am.

Last night.

Last night was a scary one. I could not breathe and I woke up after having a dream that a man that was angel was following me. And I was at this hospital after being hit by a car. And someone was visiting me and there was this man standing behind my friend just staring at me and smiling. And he was going to take me away and I was so scared and my head was all bandaged up. And I woke up thinking I'd see this man in my room. I felt dizzy and the room was spinning. By 5 am, I was crying in pain with my mother saying "I told you so." I'd die for some vicodin but I'm not able to have any.

This just makes me so angry. When he was sick, I was first in line to run to the store and get him anything to make him feel better. I was first to give up medication I needed because he had a sore throat. And now I'm sick. Visibly and he heard me crying on the phone. And he could give a shit less. And this is how the world works. People are selfish and cruel and heartless.

Now I'm laying in bed. Starving. I can't move and I tear every time I swallow. Who is going to bring me soup. Who is going to bring me cough drops or a muscle relaxer. That's right. No one.

Sick.

Well, if the costume fits, keep wearing it but no Halloween could quite account for this.
I guess you’re getting into character.
Or just be yourself, if that would help or sink completely into someone else.

You dreamt of mountains but sometimes a hole, is more comfortable.

Your true colors have graciously made their debut.

Sick again.

Again. Sick. My throat has closed up. I can hardly breathe and I'm sweating heat. Hospital visits will come shortly. I don't mind...I've never wanted to stay in a hospital so badly. Anything but stay here. I hate this town and the surrounding towns.

Today was the first day since I've met him that I haven't spoken to him.

And I must say, as much as I'm still hurting, it was all for the best. It's easier being ignored by him. It easier being said mean things to. It makes it easier to move on. Please stay as far away from me as you can. Nothing good can come of you. And I'd like for it to remain that way.

I actually studied all day today. And then I went to go see Dane and talk. Because he's the only one I can talk to about anything. We laughed about the time that I was so sickly saddened by him when he denied me. I told him I had no idea why I ever liked him and why I was so upset over him. Although he was the bext sex I ever had, I couldn't ever look at him that way. He's passed the friend zone and there is no turning back no matter how lonely I'm feeling. I told him this and he tried kissing me and I just laughed. He persisted and I couldn't stop laughing and told him that I had no interest in him sexually whatsoever. I guess he got the hint. I love him as a friend and I'm very lucky to have him in my life.

I'm back to being alone again and I'm embracing it. I'm back to not caring for anyone and not letting my guard down and I think it's for the best.

You no longer exist. All I have is your writing. All you are are words. I guess it should have always remained that way.

Headache and Muscleache and Heartache

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love…

Live through this, and you won't look back…
Live through this, and you won't look back…
Live through this, and you won't look back…

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say

I'm not sorry there's nothing to say...

I remember

I remember a faraway laugh
a sweet caress
you'd help me zip up my dress

And I remember your arms around my neck
twenty one shells wrapped in a nest
endlessness
didn't last

I won't change
given
the chance

I remember no place for me to hide
before you came home at night

I remember you turnin out the lights
all i ever saw was the red in your eyes

no big surprise
happened nearly every night
your own flesh & blood
I did wonder why...

I remember not knowing what to say
and how calm you had remained
I remember the never ending summer rain
___
please don't let
what was
get in the way of
what's next

don't forget
that what's to come
hasn't come yet

I keep on having new dreams every night and in it you concoct a new way of leaving me. And a new reason as to why. I must have woke up 5 times last night after taking 4 benadryls and passing out around 10pm. I woke up at 5 am and thought, "I've had enough of these dreams." And I was determined to not go back to bed. But then I realized the things I think are usually worse than any bad nightmare I have, so I gave up and went back to bed. Its 10am. In Connecticutt. This house is cold and huge. Multiple doors in each room leading to a new room or hallway or stairway leading to a different part of the house. I tried wasting time my trying to see where every door leads too. I gave up eventually. Too many doors. I feel sick. I can't stop feeling sick. I wondered where you went last night and if you were having fun. I need to get over this. It's not healthy.

Good Riddens.

I hope you leave and never come back.

So

I've come to realize that I am the most misunderstood girl in the world and no one actually knows me, except for a few people. More like a couple. As in two. Yeah....I'm going to go enjoy my coffee today and try not to think about anything other than work and school.

Tail lights are fading

Your tail lights are fading in my head.

Getting smaller and smaller.

It took only a week.

I'm getting better at this.

And I couldn't be sadder.

We all dream of having a cold heart, but when you actually get it, you detest it.

That feeling. That infatuation. It's gone.

Do you.

Do you enjoy this?
I believe you do.

I went to the bar last night with Kamila to see the Speakeasy. I didn't want to be there. I don't want to talk to anyone.

My one friend doesn't appreciate his girlfriend. I want to shake him. He's so lucky to have someone. At the end of your life, none of this will matter but who is with you when you die, well, IF someone is with you when you die. Otherwise you leave alone. You die lonely with no hand to hold as you retreat to wherever we go. I don't believe in God and I have a cross on my chest. I am a walking contradiction.

Everyone I know is telling me to just be alone. Learn about myself. Try telling me that when you're alone. You won't. You'll respond, "yeah this sucks." I wish people would put themselves in my shoes sometimes. I know who I am. My dilemma is finding someone who can deal with who I am, because not a lot of people can. Right? Yeah...

Man, I'm a bitter person right now. This is not me.

I have a Radiohead lyric stuck in my head. "Why so green and lonely?"

I just looked at my coffee mug that my job gave me. It says, "Be green."

Life, you toy with me too much sometimes.

What will I do today? Go home around 5:30pm. Grab a piece of cheese. Go to my living room. Throw my cell phone and lap top in the trash. Wishful thinking. Turn on the TV. Press 52, automatically, since I've been programmed since 12 to turn on MTV, which I don't watch anymore. Anyways, so I'll press 52. Then, without even seeing whats on, I'll change it. Most likely spoiled kids showing their houses off. Then I'l hit 33. Commercial. I'm too impatient to wait. So I'll turn on 34, TBS. Everybody loves Raymond. I'm not feeling funny today. Change. Hit 55. Comedy Central. Commercial about some sort of Restaurant. At this point I just turn back on Everybody Loves Raymond. Fight with my mother. Zone out. Make strange noises at Sadie. Wonder if the car I hear outside belongs to anyone I know. It doesn't. But I get glimmers of hope. Not that I'd want to see anyone anyways. Maybe Clint Eastwood stopping for directions. Imagine?

I just rambled. Because I'm bored. And angry. And upset. And tired. And confused. I would like someone to take over and tell me what to do. I don't know how to fix this. The triangle block is not fitting into the circle hole. And the whole cube is full of circle holes. I'm a fucking triangle in a circle world. When I was little, I never had the patience to figure out where to put in the blocks. So I'd throw the cube around till it cracked in half. I guess i do that in life. I force things instead of just letting them fit.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

I want to make an epiphany in this blog. Ready? No. Nothing.I might go for a walk.

I write in this blog, because I always hope that one day. One day I'll look back at it. And I'll be happy and content. And I'll remember this and smile because I am ok. I wish future Alex would send me a telegram and let me know things will be okay.

I need to get out of here. Out of a state that is full of heartless and cold people that whisper my name under their breaths. Out of a state of people that sucked me up for "fun" and then dropped me when I let my walls down.

I'm trying to think of where my life was last year at this point. I was still heavily upset over Chris. I believe that slut Linnaea called me around this time to tell me she was fucking him. That was lovely. A real treat, let me tell you. I was still friends with Meghan. And Fredi and I were inseparable. We were going to Boston. And had the greatest time. I was so happy just being with the two of them. I didn't need anyone. Did I? I don't know.

And then Halloween came. I was Goldilocks, since I had blonde hair still then. This guy Brian that I met through my friend called me and asked to meet up. It was about 2 am. I was in a slutty Goldilocks costume. Half drunk. Lost in Paterson with no gas. I remember running into a local Dunkin Donuts and crying to the police officer to get me out of here, in which he did. I finally made it to the back of Brian's tattoo parlor. We talked for hours. And clicked.

Man, I've had about 15 repeats of that.

I'm just so great, right?

I'm tired of people telling me I'm so great and an amazing girl. Such bull. Save the fucking pity party for a day when I'm not around.