What happened to me? And where did I go?

NMH - I Will Bury You In Time

I hope it goes well
I hope your dad's good
I hope you've got presents
That make you pretty happy
I hope you grow old and
I hope that you find somebody nice

But I can't come to your party, 'cause I think that I'm dead

We still live in the same town, now don't we?
But I don't see you around anymore.
I go to all the same places.
Not even a trace of you.

Your days are numbered at 24.

I feel no sympathy.
You live inside a cave.

Theres no need to apologize.
I got no time for "feeling sorry."

why cant you just fall off the face of the earth?

Teehee.

Awful awful bag of bones.

Throbbing chest piece made of stones.

Song writing machine.

Only a section of "trojan horse"

They found the paperwork under your mattress
and your footprint on the stool
i bet you loved kicking it, didn't you
i bet you fucking did.

you showed up, the trojan horse
with your minions hiding inside
waiting for the perfect time to attack
and build up your ego and pride

i got bigger heads than you, my friend.
i got bigger heads than you, my friend.
ive cut bigger threads than you, my friend.
i got bigger heads than you, my friend.

Unfinished workings of first two songs.

I've gotten my first song practically done with this new band I am in. And I've already almost finished the lyrics to "Trojan Horse". Finally getting somewhere and doing my dream.

"Cry Wolf"

Wednesday night reunion
black smoke and drink to numb your legs
tory says shell put my song on
the one that makes my head spin
she says she'll put my song on
the one that brings the men in

but my eyes aren't where they should be
theyre magnified focused at the door
this is no longer my haven, this is salem
and i am not safe here anymore

he carries his voice like a pitchfork
run quick, find some place far
hide deep inside the trees
i've picked up the bread crumbs
so he can never follow me
never ever follow me

little girl, carry your basket tight
this isn't the same cabin, somethings not right
his eyes are wide and inviting
but this isn't your grandmother
his smile is delicate
but this isn't your friend
his mannerisms follow proper etiquette
but this isnt your brother


he carries his voice like a pitchfork
but hes now wrapped it in silk
he has you now where he wants you
and hes picked up those bread crumbs
hes now got you unglued
got you unglued

no little girl, you are not safe here
now hes got you frozen stiff
you see, hes got knives for teeth
and he cries, "the better to eat you with"

Have you heard?
There's a wolf now living down the road.

I've never thought about driving my car into a wall so much in my entire life.

I can't believe I am doing this.

I wish I could go back to a time when drugs were bad. And you weren't supposed to do them. And I didn't do them. Weed was one thing. I could be ok with just doing weed. But not this other stuff. I'm turning into something I'm not.


I heard you fell into a rabbit hole.
Covered yourself up in snow
Baby, tell me where'd you go for days and days?
Did they make you stay up all night?
Did they paint your face that pasty white?
You're thirtsy but your appetite gets chased away.
Your heart starts skipping steps.

Truth.

The demos sound good. Real good.

I just can't bring myself to listening to the whole songs because of how you've been. I just wanted to be friends and you couldn't let me have it easy.

And here, you probably think I'm so upset because I want you back. I assure you that is not the case whatsoever. It just really hurts when someone doesn't care about your feelings. That is all.

But the demos sound good. Applause.

Slice of Heart

Get Ready.

Holding back tears.

He didn't mean to make you cry
With sparks that ring and bullets fly
On empty rings around your heart
The world just screams and falls apart

Take ecstacy with me, baby.

You had a black snowmobile
we drove out under the northern lights
a vodka bottle gave you those raccoon eyes
we got beat up just for holding hands

Take ecstasy with me, baby

Yes!!!!!

I found my old mix of 500 songs on my old computer. I am so ridiculously pumped to just drive aimlessly listening to the entire thing. Amazing. Simply amazing.

Iggy Pop – The Passenger
Brian Eno – 1/1
The Ramones – Rockaway Beach
Talking Heads – Psycho Killer
Television – Marquee Moon
Patti Smith – Rock n Roll Nigger
The Sex Pistols – God Save the Queen
The Clash – (White Man) In Hammersmith Palais
Buzzcocks – Ever Fallen in Love?
Vic Godard and the Subway Sect – Parallel Lines
X-Ray Spex – Oh Bondage! Up Yours!
The Adverts – One Chord Wonders
Wire – Ex-Lion Tamer
Donna Summer – I Feel Love
Giorgo Moroder - The Chase
Chic – Good Times
Thelma Houston – Don’t Leave Me This Way
Gloria Gaynor – I Will Survive
Michael Jackson – Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough
Parliament – Flash Light
Marvin Gaye – Got To Give It Up
Public Image Ltd. – Public Image
Gang of Four – Damaged Goods
Magazine – Shot by Both Sides
The Cramps – Human Fly
The Misfits – Night of the Living Dead
Wire – Outdoor Miner
Joy Division – Disorder
Althea and Donna – Uptown Top Ranking
Lee Perry – Roast Fish and Cornbread
The Congos – Fisherman
Willie Williams – Armagideon Time
This Heat – 24 Track Loop
The Slits – Typical Girls
The Pop Group – She Is Beyond Good and Evil
The Clash – The Guns of Brixton
James Chance and the Contortions – Contort Yourself
Suicide – Dream Baby Dream
Cabaret Voltaire – Nag Nag Nag
Throbbing Gristle – Hot on the Heels of Love
Devo – Mongoloid
Candido – Jingo
Dinosaur – Kiss Me Again
Machine – There but for the Grace of God Go I
Kate Bush – Wuthering Heights
Goblin – Suspiria
Blue Oyster Cult – (Don’t Fear) The Reaper
AC/DC – Highway to Hell
Van Halen – Runnin’ with the Devil
Fleetwood Mac – The Chain
Steely Dan – Deacon Blues
Electric Light Orchestra – Mr. Blue Sky
The Only Ones – Another Girl, Another Planet
The Undertones – Teenage Kicks
Plastic Bertrand – Ca plane pour moi
The Records – Starry Eyes
Cheap Trick – Surrender
The Cars – Just What I Needed
Elvis Costello and the Attractions – Radio Radio
The Cure – Boys Don’t Cry
XTC – Making Plans for Nigel
Blondie – Atomic
Talking Heads – Memories Can’t Wait
Kurtis Blow – The Breaks
Spoonie Gee Meets the Sequence – Monster Jam
The Sugarhill Gang – 8th Wonder
The Treacherous Three – The New Rap Language
The Clash – The Magnificent Seven
Talking Heads – Born Under Punches (The Heat Goes On)
Yoko Ono – Walking on Thin Ice
Klein + MBO – Dirty Talk
ESG – Moody
Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five – The Adventures of Grandmaster Flash on the Wheels of Steel
Funky 4+1 – That’s The Joint
Kraftwerk – Numbers/Computer World 2
Afrika Bambaataa & Soulsonic Force – Planet Rock
Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five – The Message
Glenn Branca – Lesson No. 1 for Electric Guitar
Laurie Anderson – O Superman (For Massenet)
Joy Division – Atmosphere
The Fall – Totally Wired
Elvis Costello and the Attractions – Beyond Belief
The Pretenders – Back on the Chain Gang
The B-52’s – Private Idaho
Dexys Midnight Runners – There There My Dear
Young Marble Giants – Final Day
Altered Images – Happy Birthday
The Specials – Ghost Town
Robert Wyatt – Shipbuilding
Bauhaus – Third Uncle
Adam and the Ants – Kings of the Wild Frontier
Scritti Politti – The Sweetest Girl
The Human League – Don’t You Want Me
Soft Cell – Tainted Love
The Associates – Party Fears Two
ABC – All of My Heart
New Order – Temptation
The Jam – Town Called Malice
Duran Duran – The Chauffeur
The English Beat – Save It for Later
The Go-Go’s – Our Lips Are Sealed
Tom Tom Club – Genius of Love
Prince – Dirty Mind
Daryl Hall & John Oates – I Can’t Go for That (No Can Do)
Michael Jackson – Billie Jean
ABBA – The Day Before You Came
Roxy Music – More Than This
Queen – Under Pressure
Bruce Springsteen – Atlantic City
Journey – Don’t Stop Believing
Bad Brains – Pay to Cum
Minor Threat – Minor Threat
Dead Kennedys – Holiday in Cambodia
Black Flag – Rise Above
Wipers – Youth of America
Flipper – Sex Bomb
Motorhead – Ace of Spades
Iron Maiden – Run to the Hills
Orange Juice – Blue Boy
The Television Personalities – This Angry Silence
The Fall – The Classical
The Clean – Tally Ho!
The Feelies – The Boy with the Perpetual Nervousness
R.E.M. – Radio Free Europe
Violent Femmes – Blister in the Sun
Mission of Burma – That’s When I Reach for My Revolver
The Smiths – This Charming Man
Sonic Youth – Death Valley ‘69
Husker Du – Pink Turns to Blue
Meat Puppets – Plateau
The Replacements – I Will Dare
Minutemen – History Lesson (Part II)
R.E.M. – So. Central Rain (I’m Sorry)
Echo and the Bunnymen – The Killing Moon
The Cure – Close to Me
Siouxsie and the Banshees – Cities in Dust
Run-D.M.C. – It’s Like That
Crash Crew – On the Radio
Rammelzee vs. K-Rob – Beat Bop
Boogie Down Productions – South Bronx
New Order – Blue Monday
Prince and the Revolution – When Doves Cry
Talking Heads – This Must Be the Place (Naïve Melody)
Kate Bush – Running Up That Hill (A Deal with God)
U2 – New Year’s Day
Simple Minds – Don’t You (Forget About Me)
The Replacements – Bastards of Young
The Mekons – Last Dance
Big Black – Kerosene
Scratch Acid – The Greatest Gift
The Jesus and Mary Chain – Just Like Honey
The Smiths – How Soon Is Now?
Cocteau Twins – Lorelei
New Order – Bizarre Love Triangle
Billy Bragg – A New England
Metallica – Battery
Slayer – Angel of Death
Saint Vitus – Clear Windowpane
Einsturzende Neubauten – Halber Mensch
Art of Noise – Beat Box (Diversion One)
Frankie Goes to Hollywood – Relax
Liquid Liquid – Optimo
Alexander Robotnick – Problemes d’Amour
Shannon – Let the Music Play
Section 25 – Looking from a Hilltop (Restructure)
Madonna – Holiday
Cyndi Lauper – Girls Just Want to Have Fun
Prince – Kiss
Run-D.M.C. – Rock Box
LL Cool J – I Can’t Live Without My Radio
Beastie Boys – No Sleep Till Brooklyn
Mantronix – Needle to the Groove
The Go-Betweens – Cattle and Cane
The Chills – Pink Frost
Felt – Primitive Painters
The Smiths – There Is a Light That Never Goes Out
Tom Waits – Jockey Full of Bourbon
Bruce Springsteen – I’m on Fire
Scott Walker – Rawhide
U2 – Bad
Don Henley – The Boys of Summer
Paul Simon – Graceland
Wayne Smith – Under Me Sleng Teng
Anthony “Red” Rose – Tempo
Model 500 – No UFO’s
Mr. Fingers – Can You Feel It
Rhythim Is Rhythim – Strings of Life
A Guy Called Gerald – Voodoo Ray
M/A/R/R/S – Pump Up The Volume
My Blood Valentine – You Made Me Realise
Spacemen 3 – Walking With Jesus
Ride – Dreams Burn Down
Glaxie 500 – Blue Thunder
Happy Mondays – Kinky Afro
The Stone Roses – She Bangs the Drums
Sonic Youth – Teen Age Riot
Dinosaur Jr. – Freak Scene
Butthole Surfers – Human Cannonball
Pixies – Where Is My Mind?
Fugazi – Waiting Room
Audio Two – Top Billin’
Eric B & Rakim – I Know You Got Soul
Public Enemy – Rebel Without a Pause
N.W.A. – Straight Outta Compton
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds – The Mercy Seat
Ministry – Stigmata
The Jesus and Mary Chain – Head On
The Sugarcubes – Birthday
The Cure – Just Like Heaven
Morrissey – Everyday Is Like Sunday
The Pogues – Fairytale of New York
The Wedding Present – My Favourite Dress
The Field Mice – Emma’s House
Another Sunny Day – You Should All Be Murdered
The Dead Milkmen – Punk Rock Girl
The Primitives – Crash
The La’s – There She Goes
They Might Be Giants – Birdhouse in Your Soul
Superchunk – Slack Motherfucker
Fugazi – Merchandise
The Jesus Lizard – Mouth Breather
Slick Rick – Children’s Story
Gang Starr – Just to Get a Rep
Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock – It Takes Two
Sal-n-Pepa – Push It
Beastie Boys – Hey Ladies
De La Soul – Me Myself and I
Biz Markie – Just a Friend
Public Enemy – Fight The Power
Guns N’ Roses – Welcome to the Jungle
Swans – Beautiful Child
John Zorn – The Sicilian Clan
Prince and the Revolution – If I Was Your Girlfriend
Madonna – Like a Prayer
Deee-Lite – Groove Is in the Heart
Pet Shop Boys – Being Boring
Sinead O’Conner – Nothing Compares 2 U
The Orb – Little Fluffy Clouds
The KLF – Wichita Lineman Was a Song I Once Heard
808 State – Pacific State
Orbital – Chime
Depeche Mode – Enjoy the Sileince
My Blood Valentine – Soon
The Vaselines – Son of a Gun
Beat Happening – Indian Summer
Daniel Johnston – Some Things Last a Long Time
Mudhoney – Touch Me I’m Sick
Pixies – Wave of Mutilation
Nirvana – Smells Like Teen Spirit
Pavement – Summer Babe
Archers of Loaf – Web in Front
Yo La Tengo – From a Motel 6
Sebadoh – The Freed Pig
A Tribe Called Quest – Check the Rhime
De La Soul – A Roller Skating Jam Named ‘Saturdays’
Black Sheep – The Choice Is Yours
Massive Attack – Unfinished Sympathy
Tricky – Aftermath (Version 1)
Primal Scream – Higher Than the Sun
Spiritualized – Step into the Breeze
Slowdive – Alison
Aphex Twin – Xtal
Talk Talk – Ascension Day
Slint – Good Morning, Captain
Disco Inferno – The Last Dance
Stereolab – French Disko
Acen – Trip II the Moon Pts. 1 and 2
The Future Sound of London – Papua New Guinea
Human Resource – Dominator (Joey Beltram Mix)
Metalheadz – Terminator
Omni Trio – Renegade Snares
Red House Painters – New Jersey
Teenage Fanclub – The Concept
Heavenly – C Is the Heavenly Option
Tindersticks – City Sickness
Unrest – Make Out Club
Tenor Saw/Buju Banton – Ring the Alarm Quick
Dr. Dre – Nuthin’ but a ‘G’ Thang
Ice Cube – It Was a Good Day
2Pac – I Get Around
Souls of Mischief – 93 ‘Til Infinity
Suede – The Drowners
Blur – For Tomorrow
Elastica – Stutter
Ween – Doctor Rock
Wu-Tang Clan – Protect Ya Neck
Geto Boys – Mind Playing Tricks on Me
Pete Rock and C.L. Smooth – They Reminisce Over You (T.R.O.Y.)
Bikini Kill – Rebel Girl
Melvins – Hooch
Dinosaur Jr. – Start Choppin’
Pixies – U-Mass
Liz Phair – Divorce Song
PJ Harvey – Rid of Me
The Afghan Whigs – Debonair
Rage Against the Machine – Killing in the Name
The Lemonheads – It’s a Shame About Ray
Beck – Loser
The Breeders – Cannonball
Nirvana – Scentless Apprentice
Hole – Violet
Smashing Pumpkins – 1979
Green Day – Longview
Weezer – Say It Ain’t So
Blur – Girls & Boys
Oasis – Live Forever
Pulp – Common People
The Notorious B.I.G. – Juicy
Nas – It Ain’t Hard to Tell
Mobb Deep – Shook Ones, Pt. 2
GZA – 4th Chamber
Pavement – Gold Soundz
Built to Spill – Car
Modest Mouse – Broke
Frank Black – Headache
The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion – Bellbottoms
Guided by Voices – I Am a Scientist
Nine Inch Nails – Closer
Bjork – Hyper-Ballad
Beck – Devil’s Haircut
Portishead – Sour Times (Nobody Loves Me)
Saint Etienne – Like a Motorway
Basic Channel – Octagon
Paperclip People – Throw
DJ Shadow – Midnight in a Perfect World
Dr. Octagon – Blue Flowers
Common – I Used to Lover H.E.R.
Jeff Buckley – Grace
Mazzy Star – Fade Into You
Arthur Russell – This Is How We Walk on the Moon
Low – Words
The Auteurs – Unsolved Child Murder
Jawbox – Savory
Drive Like Jehu – Luau
Brainiac – Pussyfootin’
Napalm Death – Twist the Knife (Slowly)
Darkthrone – En As I Dype Skogen
Ol’ Dirty Bastard – Brooklyn Zoo
Snoop Doggy Dogg – Gin and Juice
Luniz – I Got 5 on It
Cutty Ranks – Limb by Limb
The Prodigy – No Good (Start the Dance)
Underworld – Born Slippy (NUXX)
The Chemical Brothers – Setting Sun
Daft Punk – Da Funk
Belle and Sebastian – The State I Am In
Elliott Smith – Needle in the Hay
The Magnetic Fields – Take Ecstasy with Me
Palace Music – New Partner
Arab Strap – The First Big Weekend
Tortoise – Gamera
The Sea and Cake – Parasol
Pavement – Rattled by the Rush
Guided by Voices – Game of Pricks
Weezer – El Scorcho
Radiohead – Paranoid Android
Bjork – Joga
The Verve – Bitter Sweet Symphony
Elliott Smith – Between the Bars
Cat Power – Cross Bones Style
The Clientele – Reflections After Jane
Bonnie “Prince” Billy – I See a Darkness
Smog – Teenage Spaceship
Silver Jews – Random Rules
Autechre – Arch Carrier
Boards of Canada – Happy Cycling
Herbert – So Now…
Aphex Twin – Windowlicker
Uilab – St. Elmo’s Fire
Air – Le Soleil est Pres du Moi
Massive Attack – Teardrop
Black Star – Respiration
The Notorious B.I.G. – Hypnotize
Outkast – Spottieottiedopaliscious
The Roots – The Next Movement
The Flaming Lips – Waitin’ for a Superman
The Beta Band – Dry the Rain
The Olivia Tremor Control – Hideaway
Neutral Milk Hotel – Holland, 1945
Super Furry Animals – Ice Hockey Hair
Stardust – Music Sounds Better with You
Basement Jaxx – Jump n’ Shout
Wilco – Via Chicago
Pulp – This Is Hardcore
Belle and Sebastian – Lazy Line Painter Jane
Yo La Tengo – Autumn Sweater
Sleater-Kinney – One More Hour
Refused – New Noise
The Dismemberment Plan – The City
Boredoms – Super Shine
Mogwai – Like Herod
Jim O’Rourke – Halfway to a Threeway
Sigur Ros – Svefn-g-Englar
Daft Punk – One More Time
Radiohead – Idioteque
Godspeed You! Black Emperor – Storm
The Avalanches – Since I Left You
Broadcast – Come On Let’s Go
Aaliyah – Try Again
Justin Timberlake – Cry Me a River
Luomo – Tessio
Vitalic – La Rock 01
Kylie Minogue – Love at First Sight
Jay-Z – Big Pimpin’
Outkast – B.O.B.
Eminem – The Real Slim Shady
Ghostface Killah – Nutmeg
Missy Elliott – Get Ur Freak On
The White Stripes – Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground
The Strokes – The Modern Age
…And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead – Another Morning Stoner
Interpol – Obstacle 1
Electric Six – Danger! High Voltage
Golden Boy with Miss Kittin – Rippin Kittin’
Jurgen Paape – So Weit Wie Noch Nie
Osymyso – Intro-Inspection
The Knife – Heartbeats
LCD Soundystem – Lossing My Edge
The Rapture – House of Jealous Lovers
The Streets – Weak Become Heroes
Aesop Rock – Daylight
Rjd2 – Good Times Roll Pt. 2
Bright Eyes – The Calendar Hung Itself
Wilco – Poor Places
Queens of the Stonge Age – No One Knows
My Morning Jacket – The Way That He Sings
Modest Mouse – 3rd Planet
Clinic – Distortions
Shellac – Prayer to God
Mclusky – To Hell with Good Intentions
Lightning Bolt – Ride the Sky
The Microphones – The Moon
The New Pornographers – Letter from an Occupant
The Shins – New Slang
The Decemberists – Here I Dreamt I Was an Architect
Radiohead – Life in a Glasshouse
Broken Social Scene – Cause = Time
Deerhoof – This Magnificent Bird Will Rise
Spoon – The Way We Get By
Dizzee Rascal I Luv U
M.O.P. – Ante Up
Clipse – Grindin’
Talib Kweli – Get By
Jay-Z – Takeover
Outkast – Hey Ya
Kanye West – Through The Wire
R. Kelly – Ignition (Remix)
Beyonce – Crazy In Love
Gnarls Barkley – Crazy
!!! – Me and Giuliani Down by the School Yard (A True Story)
TV on the Radio – Staring at the Sun
Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Maps
The Walkmen – The Rat
Devendra Banhart – A Sight to Behold
Joanna Newsom – Peach, Plum, Pear
Sufjan Stevens – Casimir Pulaski Day
Antony and the Johnsons – Hope There’s Someone
Animal Collective – Leaf House
The Books – Take Time
M83 – Don’t Save Us from the Flames
The Postal Service – Such Great Heights
Annie – Heartbeat
M.I.A. – Galang
The White Stripes – Seven Nation Army
Franz Ferdinand – Take Me Out
The Fiery Furnaces – Here Comes the Summer
The Mountain Goats – No Children
The Wrens – She Sends Kisses
Les Savy Fav – The Sweat Descends
Ted Leo and the Pharmacists – Where Have All the Rude Boys Gone?
The Exploding Hearts – Modern Kicks
Art Brut – Formed a Band
Boris – Farewell
Mastodon – Sleeping Giant
Madvillain – America’s Most Blunted
T.I. – What You Know
Kelly Clarkson – Since U Been Gone
Amerie – 1 Thing
Ciara – Oh
The Go! Team – The Power Is On
Feist – Mushaboom
Arcade Fire – Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)
Wolf Parade – I’ll Believe in Anything
Band of Horses – The Funeral
The Hold Steady – Stuck Between Stations
Beirut – Postcards from Italy
Johnny Boy – You Are the Generation That Bought More Shoes and You Get What You Deserve
Love Is All – Busy Doing Nothing
Jens Lekman – Black Cab
Christian Falk – Dream On
Peter Bjorn and John – Young Folks
Justice vs. Simian – We Are Your Friends
Hot Chip – Boy from School
Animal Collective – Grass
Black Dice – Cone Toaster
Liars – The Other Side of Mt. Heart Attack
Panda Bear – Bros

You're so pretty when you're unfaithful to me.

So apparently, Erik hasn't been as honest as he claims he is. But, I can't say I didn't see it coming. I am an idiot. What confuses me the most is how he thought he'd get away with it knowing my good friend is his bass player. Like he wanted me to know.

Going to clear my head for a bit.

I'm drunk.

And I miss you.

Not fair.

I wish we could be friends. Bubut we can't. and i thank you for ignoring me. as much as it hurts. as much as i wantt to kick and scream.

thank you.

but i do miss you.

Secrets hidden.

Why are you always undone?
You lurk in the darkest corners
Awaiting some heavenly ascension
You know you won't find any liquor
Or that stuff your friend does
But c'mon, we've all had our stumbles
And some nights it almost feels like love
It feels like love
Now, now, now
It feels like love

How is that I am in love with a guy named Erik. I'm crushing on another Eric. And I've always admired another Eric since I was little.

Song writing.

Dialogue with adam after informing him about my crush on the copy machine...

Adam: Wow. You know what? You just tapped into an amazing song concept. For you. I really think you should write a song based around that concept.

Me: I'm on it!

Adam: use it as a metaphor for how no guy is what you want...and how this copy machine is more appealing to you at times

Me: haha sounds like a z100 song

Adam: there ya go

Me: i dont want the boys named andy or bobby or dean. i just want the copy, the copy maaachiiiine.

Adam: hahaha

Proof of my Oddness

I love my job's copy machine.

It is so cute.

It makes little noises when it spits out paper as though it's so happy to have assisted you on your copying assignment.

And then, to allign all the pages together, it jiggles a little, making the paper fall into place.

How freaking cute.

I giggle to myself as I wait for the job to be done.

Thatta, boy.

I wanna attach a fury tail and ears on it. Aw.

I wish you nothing but the worst. Nothing more. Nothing less.

It's raining. I miss him. A lot. I hate everyone in this fucking town. Their eyes and their grimaces. On my back. Little spies. Judging.

Hate this stupid town. And the towns surrounding it. And the people infesting it.

If I hadn't worked so hard to get to where I am, I'd drop it all for him. Go on tour with him. Swallow anger as every stupid girl hangs their hungry arms around his neck. They make me sick. He's such a beautiful person that it's haunting. How could they/whomever create such a perfect individual is mind boggling. But it's life. I get thrown this perfect bait and I'm hooked. Man, that was corny.

I don't want to screw this up. I don't. But I'm scared as hell. He could destroy me. Worse than Chris did. Much worse.

I enjoy being on my own too much right now and I want to keep it that way. I don't want to depend on someone and trust that someone will be there for me. We all saw what happened last time I did that.

Fuck people.

Seriously fuck you.

I am much better than this. You dont touch the stove twice after you've been burnt. I was an idiot. It won't happen again.

When I can trust that Erik will stay. When he's done touring. When he's done with all the promotions. The recording. The interviews. The fame. I'll be there in the end and I'll be ready. Until then, I'll think of him endlessly.

I'm an animal trapped in your hot car.

You are all I need.

Things are changing. My life has turned a huge page. Actually, a new book.

You are my center when I spin away.

No matter what happens now
I won't be afraid
Because I know today has been the most perfect day I've ever seen.

I am a walking, talking lab rat.

Another fucking tour. In two weeks. Is this really happening? He might as well have never left London.

He'll be in California for New Years Eve. I thought this would be over and fixed by now. I'm trying to respect his dreams but I can only wait for so long and live the way I've been living.

Sigh.

As much as I get a lot of amusement and knowledge from reddit, it is extremely one-sided. I feel like I need to go to foxnews and then reddit to get the big picture on everything.

Hypocrites.

Smoke's filled the air and I'm struggling to breathe.
Let them be calm, so I finally can sleep.
Everything you intended to say,
Don't go back on your words.
You always said you'd tell me first.

Verse after endless verse, I can't escape the echoed words.
I long to find a cure for the feeling I find in these chords.
I smile as it burns.

Your face is light and cocaine white.
One message beating through.

I've been erased.
I've been erased from the picture.
Excuse, oh no, anything goes.
Excuses, you know it doesn't work.
Excuse, oh no, anything goes.
Excuses don't work.
Excuse me, this will calls out desperate end.
Excuse me, this will calls out desperate:

Sick.

This is not a riddle
But it's meant to entertain.
I'll be your loyal Apostle
Just send me in to take the blame.

Well what would you expect to say?
It never mattered anyway

There'll be a site and an invisible light
Shown down on them and took them in
There'll be a time when maybe tonight
Temptations win and I give in

This is not a puzzle or mainframe
But it's meant to strengthen your faith
And each time the night falls upon us
We always end up the same

Well what would you expect to say?
It never mattered anyway

There'll be a site and an invisible light
Shown down on them and took them in
There'll be a time when maybe tonight
Temptations win and I give in

Were we not born into original sin?
What you ask for is what you get
And what you were given
So fold your hands and get down on your knees

Atheism.

I'm not all about religion. I am not even too positive that a God exists. How do I know? How does anyone know?

But you don't see many people that believe that some sort of supreme being exist, go out bashing athiests do you?

All you hear are athiests making fun of those that simply believe. Like it affects you. Like me praying and going to sleep with a smile on my face because I believe if I died my soul will go somewhere, affects you.

In the end, I find it the funniest seeing how compared to believers, atheists are generally very nasty and mocking of those who simply choose to live their lives a certain way.

Bottom line. I don't get why believers and non-believers have reason to downgrade each other. In the end, we're all people with the same brains.

i'll post this here since I know reddit will complain about the Foxnews source.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,575295,00.html?test=latestnews

Right.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/15/weekinreview/12wade.html?_r=1

My Anthem.

If I'm a bad person, you don't like me.
Well I guess I'll make my own way.
It's a circle, a mean cycle.
I can't excite you anymore.

Where's your gavel? Your jury? What's my offense this time?

You're not a judge but if you're gunna judge me, well sentence me to another life.

Don't want to hear your sad songs.
Don't want to feel your pain.
When you say it's all my fault
Cause you know we're not the same.
No, we're not the same.

You treat me just like another stranger.
Well it's nice to meet you, sir.
I guess I'll go.

I can't sleep. I can't speak to you.

Crying.

It's smothering me.

Hey paul, hey paul, hey paul. Let's have a ball.

I feel like I have a trampoline in my head with a net down the middle. And I am constantly jumping from one side to the other. I can never make up my mind about something. I constantly make excuses for both sides.

For example, I've recently come to the conclusion that I am a heartless person. I do not care for anyone around me.

But, yesterday I realized that I do have a heart. I've been very stressed from school. I haven't been working a lot and losing a lot of money. Yet, while at work, finally working...Jenn calls me and says she is going to the ultrasound tech to find out the sex of her baby and asked if I could go because she is going alone. I sadly told her I could because I need money from work. However, then I thought about her...finding out the great sex of her baby, an amazing tear jerker moment where you want someone to jump up and down with you with excitement as soon as the technician utters "It's a ____". And I imagined her. My bestfriend since 4th grade. The only person who really knows me and loves me so much. I imagined her alone. No one to turn and smile to when she found out the sex. And it crushed me. So I called her, knowing that I'd get further into debt, but I called her and told her of course I'd go and I wouldn't miss it for the world. She was so happy.

And then the technician asked her if she wanted to know the sex. I had a ten dollar bet that it was a boy. And jenn claimed it was a girl. Jenn said yes and the technician showed us the baby's legs. Then...the testicles and penis. I shrieked. Jenn sighed and then smiled. We both had tears in our eyes. Truely an amazing beautiful moment. Then, after leaving, I finally had time to work on some homework. However, Kamila had gotten out early from work and it was her birthday. And I thought to myself, "I don't want my good friend alone on her birthday." So I took her out to eat, even though I have no money nor time. It made me happy seeing her happy.

I can't be so heartless if I do things like that for my friends, right?

But then I think. Maybe I only did it because I want something in return. Is that why everyone does nice things? I don't know. I can't figure this out. I always though I was a good person. Until I've come across so so many people tell me I'm not and that they thought I didn't care about the world.

I'm so easily influenced by people's words. I hate it.

I'm the entertainer. Watch me fail. Hold your applause.

Pressure.

Now is not the time in my life where I need so much pressure. I have too many people hounding down my back expecting things from me. I can't do it right now. The rest of my life is sand in my hands. Each person is just pulling my fingers apart and letting the rest of my life slip in between them. I can't be rude and tell them to leave me alone but I've told everyone COUNTLESS times that I can't be around right now.

I need a box. And a lock. And me inside that box.

Holy Moley.

Notice the red fire truck. Notice the old lady on the bike on the left. Click forward. Find old lady.

http://maps.google.nl/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=nl&geocode=&q=Jordanus+Hoornstraat,+3812+Amersfoort&sll=51.441072,5.473185&sspn=0.006219,0.01649&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=Jordanus+Hoornstraat,+3812+Amersfoort,+Utrecht&layer=c&cbll=52.156793,5.375724&panoid=QxTBkKdBEh4vYH2enrbvrQ&cbp=12,104.63,,0,17.08&ll=52.156739,5.37593&spn=0,359.993927&t=h&z=18

Heh.

The boy just texted me saying, "Theres a subway, starbucks, coldstone, and gamestop in this plaza. You'd be in heaven."

Hahha. This is true. Sip sip.

Wave of Mutilation on repeat.

sleeping on your belly
you break my arms
you spoon my eyes
been rubbing a bad charm
with holy fingers

gouge away
you can gouge away
stay all day
if you want to

Reddit just made me spit out my coffee at work.

"I tried telling my wife ten puns hoping one would make her laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did."

i'll always remember this moment.

We were driving to your band practice. Typical Saturday mornings. The sun shone bright and I was wearing a new outfit and my hair looked perfect. I was pleased. We made that dangerous left hand turn out of your driveway onto 206 and whined about the sun in our eyes. You had lost your sunglasses and so I lent you mine. Of course they were the huge obnoxious typical valley girl sunglasses. I had two pairs. You put yours on and I put mine. Then we just looked at each other and laughed hysterically at how ridiculous we looked.

Then you grabbed my hand. And you smiled and said, "I love us together." It was perhaps the sweetest thing you ever said to me, right after, "You're so beautiful when you sleep, mainly because you're not talking or complaining."

I don't think I've ever been happier and more at ease than that day and I always think back to it.

Now you are with some new girl. She is now sleeping in your bed. She is now hearing your father's corny jokes and being asked if she wants a Take a Boost. She is now playing with Rosie and acting polite in front of your mother. Of course, she doesn't have to try so hard to be prim and proper in front of her as I did. She looks very...mature and sweet. Probably gives you none of the problems that I did.

I can't say I miss you, because I barely know you anymore. I can't say I miss our relationship, because we were both miserable.

Perhaps I simply wish that the memories meant more. That our time together meant more.

I'll always love the person I thought of you as and wish you nothing but the best.

But then again, you'll never read this.

You know what I miss the most?

Trusting people. And believing that there are good souls out there.

Everyone to me is a self absorbed bacterial petri dish.

Must keep gloves and protective gear on.

Just was looking through old tweets since ALL MY NEW ONES are deleted. Wtf.

I came across "Are you ok? Cause you're kind of humping the door." and "Metuchen senior citizens" and laughed for a few seconds. Then got sad and sighed.

I wish things didn't go this way and I wish people didn't stop talking to each other.

Man, I hate you.

Bursting of Head in 5 4 3...

This a list of things I will need to have done within the next year. No wait, the next SIX months.

1. Update resume
2. Graduate
3. Apply for jobs at MMC
4. Move to the city
5. Take GRE's
6. Apply for Grad school at NYU for MBA program
7. Take CFA exam
8. Take actuarial exam P1

Meanwhile, I have so many other things on my plate. I think I need to drop a few people/things. My head is going to explode.

Smiles.

Sunday morning I woke up to breakfast in bed. Two eggs, tater totts, and amazing toast. Salt and pepper and butter all provided as well. Super sweet.

I don't want to hear your sad songs.
I don't want to feel your pain.
When you say it's all my fault
cause you know we're not the same.

You treat me just like another stranger.
Well it's nice to meet you, sir.
I guess I'll go.

Got no time for feeling sorry.

We still live in the same town, well, don't we?
But I don't see you around anymore.
I go to all the same places, not even a trace of you
Your days are numbered at 24.
And I'm getting bored waiting round for you,
We're not getting any younger
and I won't look back cause there's no use
It's time to move forward.

I feel no sympathy,
You live inside a cave.
You barely get by while the rest of us are trying.
there's no need to apologize,
I've got no time for feeling sorry.

I know.

"I have never met anyone with a darker blacker colder heart than yours. You really are the cruelest person I have ever met."

I know this. It takes a year to turn your heart into stone. I am so sorry, but I do love you.

This is so me.

Why?

Why do I date more than one person at the same time? It keeps me from devoting all my attention to one, because I have a bad habit of doing that.

Overload.

Too many plans. Too many people. I want to crawl in bed alone and just be by myself. I did this to myself though so I'll bare it for now.

And the hits just keep on coming.

Old flame and his girlfriend just broke up. He's asked me to come visit him in the city tonight.

Swallowing any guilt and locking it up in a box deep within my chest.

I will gladly play the role of horrible selfish monster that everyone seems to perceive me as.

Scary.

This morning, I heard someone whisper sweetly, "Alex wake up" in my ear. No one was home. And I almost overslept and my alarm never went off.

Why on earth would you send me this?

You bite through the big wall, the big wall bites back
You just sit there and sulk, sit there and grow old
You are so pretty when you're on your knees
Disaffected, and eager to please

Sometimes you sulk, sometimes you burn
God rest your soul
When the loving comes and we've already gone
Just like your dad, you'll never change

It's nothing personal. You're an embarrassment.

I don't mind being your arm candy.
In fact, that is all I want.

Guilty.

The ones we trusted the most pushed us far away.

Well, Loop last night was fun. Met up with Andy and hung out with Tory. Got a little too wasted. Well, not wasted, but not sober enough to drive home so Andy had to drive my car home. I'm starting to think that Andy might actually like me and think this is heading somewhere. I really wish to tell all these people that it's not and that I'm not in the right mind frame. I just really like hanging with them. I'm actually very attracted to Andy, which gets hard to do sometimes. At one point, I got up to talk to Tory and I turn and there is some girl flirting with him. So, I'm fine with it. I think, "good, he's not saving himself for me." Then I get texts telling me to save him so I walk over and the girl apologizes and tells him, "I can take the hint, thanks." Hahaha. Then he tells me to never leave him again. Foreshadowing? He wants to see me Saturday so we are going to Brooklyn to see Those Mockingbirds play. I'm excited.

To top it all off, the guy from my class. The guy that pretty much caused the actual breaking up of me and Trevor, asked me out last night after class to go on a date. Hahaha. Crazy. He seems interesting. Very goodlooking and smart and witty. I love wit. So I'm excited to do that.

So. It's Andy from Loop. Jay, Fredi's friend. Eric from class. And I feel like I might be missing one. I'm sure there is another one.

And Erik. Whose on tour and I try so hard not to think about. Everytime I do, this guilt just comes over me. I hope he's not avoiding girls on my behalf. I want him to have fun. I'll be here when he returns.

In a few months...

lawlz

http://venturebeat.com/2009/11/03/world-of-warcraft-ordered-to-shut-down-in-china-again/

Blogging.

So after class last night I went to go watch a movie with Jay. We rented this old independent horror film with subtitles called "Sauna." I tried standing it. Haha. But, it did eventually get my attention. Awful ending, although I did jump. I like hanging with Jay, I feel comfortable with him for some odd reason. Yet, I'm getting worried. As we were laying down after the movie, he started naming things he liked about me and how he enjoyed laying with me and having my company. I wanted to tell him to not get attached. I'm at such a bad point in my life and I can't risk it. I can't risk myself getting hurt again. I need to finish school and head to the city and that's all I can worry about right now. For now, I'll just hope he won't want anything more.

But perhaps the best part of my night, was getting home and having Erik surprise me. Apparently he had a show in Philly in the evening and drove all the way to me before heading to New England. Nothing feels better than laying in his ridiculously huge bed and having him sing me to sleep. I was a wreck and he always has the right words to say. He always knows how to cheer me up and see things from a different and better perspective. I explained my debacle and he told me he's always known the real me and that I'm perfect the way I am. And he said it so sincere. And told me not worry about those that don't matter. People spray out words and advice that they themselves don't live by. People eat at you all while telling you to be a better person. A walking hypocrite. I won't make the same mistakes again. I got by fine not caring about the world or about anyone else other than myself. It's when I let someone in and actually cared for someone that they dropped me like a fly. Regardless, I know what I must do now and I know that Erik will be back from tour soon and we can finally give us a chance.

I've got a tight grip on reality
but i can't let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream.

Hate is home.

Don't talk politics and don't throw stones
Your royal highnesses

Well of course i'd like to sit around and chat
Well of course i'd like to stay and chew the fat
Well of course i'd like to sit around and chat

You never happened and you don't exist.

“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”
— Mark Twain

“When we quit thinking primarily about ourselves and our own self-preservation, we undergo a truly heroic transformation of consciousness.”
— Joseph Campbell

You are not welcome here.

“Whatever became of the moment when one first knew about death? There must have been one, a moment, in childhood, when it first occurred to you that you don’t go on forever. It must have been shattering, stamped into one’s memory. And yet I can’t remember it. It never occurred to me at all. We must be born with an intuition of mortality. Before we know the word for it, before we know that there are words, out we come, bloodied and squalling…with the knowledge that for all the points of the compass, there’s only one direction and time is its only measure.”
— Tom Stoppard - Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead

Dramatic.

“We’re all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn’t. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.”

-Charles Bukowski

Yeah.

I'm going away for a while
But I'll be back, don't try and follow me
'Cause I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes

And run
From them, from them
With no direction
We'll run from them, from them
With no conviction

'Cause I'm just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don't need no road
In fact they follow me

And we just go in circles

Well Now I'm told that this is life
And pain is just a simple compromise
So we can get what we want out of it
Would someone care to classify,
A broken heart and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on

And run
To them, to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not useless
We are just

Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there's no one road
We should not be the same
But I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me

Hmmm.

So last night I went on a date with this guy Andy I met at Loop. I was really nervous because I didn't know a single thing about him prior to and I wondered if he secretely worshipped Creed or Nickelback. So before hanging out, I asked for his facebook just to see and he gave it to me. I realized he sings in a band. Of course. So I texted him and said, "Oh no, you don't play in a band do you?" and he responds, "Well, as Radiohead says, Anyone can play guitar." I literally almost choked. Nevertheless, the entire night was a blast and I'm excited to hang out with him again.

As far as Erik goes, I miss him to death. It sucks that he's away for so long in London and now he's on tour. Figures. He calls me constantly and texts me and last night sang me to sleep over the phone. Sweetest most beautiful person alive. Last weekend when we went to his studio and we sang together, it literally was the greatest feeling singing with someone you feel so strongly for for so many years.

No one is as lucky as us
We're not at the end but
But we already won
Oh no, no one
Is as lucky as us
Is as lucky as us

Now I've got a feeling if I sang this loud enough, you
Would sing it back to me
I've got a feeling if I sang this loud enough, you
Will sing it back to me

My fault.

Erase yourself and you'll be free
and something destroyed by the sea
all we are is coloured sand
so pay the ride, the ferris wheel
smile all that you can feel
there's gratiude for what has been
for it did not happen.

There's money lenders inside the temple
circus tigers gonna break my heart
something so wild turned into paper
if I loved you well thats my fault.
There's money lenders inside the temple
this crystal citys gonna fall apart
when all their power turns into vapour
if I miss you well thats my fault
thats my fault
thats my fault

Horrible.

Oh, I'll settle down with some old story
About a boy who's just like me
Thought there was love in everything and everyone
You're so naive!
After a while they always get it
They always reach a sorry end
Still it was worth it as I turned the pages solemnly, and then
With a winning smile, the boy
With naivety succeeds
At the final moment, I cried
I always cry at endings

INSERT SIDE REMARKS HERE HERE HERE

He's only my enemy
I'll crush him with everything I own.

Oh man.

Me: so i have a date with another 30 year old tomorrow.
Jenn: good, they are more mature.
Me: yeah, he asked me how old i was, and i told him how im 21 and he said he was 29 and asked if i was still interested
Jenn: uh alex?
Me: Yeah?
Jenn: you're 22.
Me: (thinking) holy shit, i am.

Yeah. My best friend had to remind me how old I am. I seriously can't believe i forgot I'm 22.

"But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair. "


-South of the Border, West of the Sun by Haruki Murakami

I want him in my pocket.

Take me back to when I was happy.

how?

How is it possible that I am dating the most beautiful person alive and I cannot even be happy.

I just want to be happy. Why is it so hard?

Nobody knows it.

But I am the most awful person I know.

Sigh.

I used to know this girl
Who gave her love away
To every guy she met
And with all the games they played
She never seemed to cry
She never got upset
And one by one they came
And one by one they left
I thought that I could fix her
If she would let me in
But all of my advances
Were shut down in the end
When days turned into months
I begged her to explain
And this is what she sang

It's not like I'm a slut
Or that I really like to fuck
I just want every boy I see
To walk away with part of me
Until there's nothing left to hold
Until there's nothing left to hate
I appreciate your help
But even you can't save me from myself

Toss up.

Even though I'm sad and lonely as hell, dating someone rich has its perks. Erik gave me his credit card to go shopping today. I had a blast.

On another note, I now know of 3 different bands that sing a song about me. Two are mean and one, is just sad. I should really start dating guitarists, or maybe a drummer.


"She's got big shoes to fill to match her empty heart."

Sweet.

This is what they call a meltdown.

So I spent my entire morning crying in the shower.

I really ought to stop dating singers.

Their bodies always leave my car but their voices stay behind.

And it's enough to drive you mad.

She cried, "I'm sinking."

Now how I remember you
How I would push my fingers through
Your mouth to make those muscles move
That made your voice so smooth and sweet
Now we keep where we don't know
All secrets sleep in winter clothes
With one you loved so long ago
Now he don't even know his name

I don't want to be here anymore.

Eating me alive.

Super.

Viewtiful Ryan (8:19:35 PM): no halllooween partyin?
something dazed (8:19:42 PM): nope
Viewtiful Ryan (8:19:48 PM): whys that
something dazed (8:20:40 PM): dont wannt be around people
Viewtiful Ryan (8:20:44 PM): gosh
Viewtiful Ryan (8:20:48 PM): wierdo
something dazed (8:21:24 PM): thanks

It always feels like

I am the last person left living on this world.

youforgetmust

It's been a long time since before I've been touched.
Now I'm getting touched all the time.
And it's only a matter of whom.
And it's only a matter of when.

Choke.

The hand is squeezing exceptionally hard at my heart. I don't want to cry anymore. I refuse to. You mean nothing. nothing. nothing.

No.

I refuse to take part in the cliche halloween festivities this year. I'd really like for people to stop making me change my mind. I won't. I am going to enjoy doing laundry and homework alone and then spending the night in the city watching scary movies and drinking hot cocoa. Leave me alone.

friend:
you should get a last minute costume

me: why? so i can go to some stupid drunken party and get hit on by some drunken douche who just wants ass?

friend:
yep
you spend 99% of the year dressed as boring ol' alex
you get a few handful of days where its acceptable to mix it up as much as you like
take advatange of not leading a boring life!

me:i like my boring life, thank you.

friend:
whatevah helps you sleep at night

me:
lots and lots of vicodin

Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

"Blackness swims toward you like a school of eels who have just seen something that eels like a lot."

I don't know why.

Last night I went to sleep thinking about it. And for some reason, it still hurt. I don't get it. I mean, I understand why it upsets me. It was him. But, scientifically, how can something so mental hurt physically? How does that happen?

It's like, everytime I think about him, there is this tiny hand squeezing my heart a bit. And then I stop and the hand lets go, almost as if to warn me. Almost as if, if I kept on thinking about him, the hand would squeeze my heart till it stopped. I'm too scared to ever think about him. I want the squeezing to stop.

But now it's good. He hates me. I made him hate me. It's easier that way on me. That way he stays away from me even more and doesn't ever come near me. And that way, I get a little satisfaction thinking, even though he's probably ignoring me all on his own, but in my own little mind, I'm gladly thinking that I forcefully made him hate me and want nothing to do with me.

I don't want anyone knowing how hurt I really am. Never show anyone your weaknesses. Never show anyone where your knees break.

Oh Comely

Place your body here,
Let your skin begin to blend itself with mine.

Please stop.

And you can do no wrong
In my eyes
In my eyes
You can do no wrong
In my eyes
In my eyes

Why?

He finally has me.
After all these years of crying and begging.
He has me. All of me.
Why. Why. Why is he pushing me away.
Why?
I don't like cages.
And the bars are slowly being constructed.

After years of waiting
After years of waiting nothing came
And you realise you're looking,
Looking in the wrong place

I'm a reasonable man
Get off my case.
Get off my case.
GET OFF MY CASE.

Back to Brooklyn.

And it's back to Brooklyn tomorrow night with Kamila.

I keep thinking tonight is Friday.

Appear.

It's all boiling over
All boiling over
Your little voice
Your little voice

No more conversation
No more conversation
You should took me out when you had the chance
You should took me out when you had the chance
All the rooms were numbered
And the losers turned away
Don't turn away
Don't turn away

I love my guy friends.

me:
i hate trevor.
i hate how i meant nothing to him.
and how he could care less we no longer talk.

piperknocker:
again wha thappened now?

me:
nothing. just. he doesnt care we dont talk.
hes living his life
i was nothing.
i was a brief intermission
makes me sick
im everyones brief intermission

piperknocker:
then try to stop being that.

me:
how?

piperknocker:
i don't know. but ifgure out
we werent an intermission
we turned to something else

me:
we are a rare breed.
it took the both of us to get to where we are.
i wish trevor took the dane route.
itd be cool to be friends with him
and i was going to do that with him
but he said he needed time to be able to be friends with me
and i couldnt do that
i got over you by being more around you.
and being friends with you

piperknocker:
i'm not a douche bag at heart. even if i get moments where i do something cause i want something from it
and i realized even if you way different from me you have a good heart and you mean well
i also get self righteous and occasionally felt like me doing this was right cause you didn't deserve to betreated like crap

me:
i guess trevor didnt feel the same way

piperknocker:
well he may be a nice guy but he's apparently a douche bag

Sadness.

Everyone knows that I hate Thanksgiving and Christmas.

"What!? How could you?" They ask.

But no one knows.

Thanksgiving and Christmas used to be great. Since I was 15, I had a boyfriend's family that had adopted me and I was with them now. I never did anything with my own. I don't really have a family.

And now I'm alone this year..again.

Last Thanksgiving I remember getting Chinese food and eating alone and setting a aplate for Sadie at the table. And we ate together. I'll do that again this year.

And then Christmas. When it's snowing. And everyone else is with their family opening presents with smiling faces, I'll be sleeping in. Empty house. No laughter. Just silence and never ending loneliness.

No one knows this. This is why I am the person I am.

I don't let myself get close to people. I guess sometimes it's easier being alone.

Keep it together, Alex. You're strong now. No one lets you down now. You're alone and you are strong and you don't need anyone to make you happy. Stay focused. In two months you will be gone and these people will be stuck in this ugly town in their boxed lives running in circles like chickens with their heads cut off.

I'd rather hate the world and have the world hate me than be tricked by it, love it, and be hurt by it.

People live to watch you cry.

I was your brief intermission.

Man you make me sick.

Belle&Sebastian

Honey, loving you is the greatest thing
I get to be myself and I get to sing
I get to play at being irresponsible
I come home late at night and I love your soul
I never forget you in my prayers
I never have a bad thing to report

You're my picture on the wall
You're my vision in the hall
You're the one I'm talking to
When I get in from my work
You are my girl, and you don't even know it
I am living out the life of a poet
I am the jester in the ancient court
You?re the funny little frog in my throat

Story.

Once upon a time on a cold February morning, a mother gave birth to two of the most beautiful identical twin boys. Erik Nathaniel and Justin David. It wasn't that their faces were as pure as anything you've ever seen. It wasn't their soft brown hair. No, it was the color of their eyes. Something you've never seen. A radiant flashing blue that shone. And on days they were sad, they were gray. On their happiest days, they were vibrant. Almost fake. For Justin, they glittered the brightest on the day he finished his first car with his father. For Erik, it was the day he met his first true love at the nearest coffee shop.

And the mother adored both boys. Showered them with gifts and love. The father showered them with love and knowledge of the world. Justin became his right hand wing-man. Erik became the mother's pride and joy. Excelling in every subject in school and destined to be a lawyer, like his mother, or architect. Their lives weren't ordinary. They lived in the largest house in town. The mother was the owner of her own large law firm and the father was a mass collector of luxury and exotic cars and once held the title for owning the most in the US. Yet, the boys were brought up to not be spoiled, only rewarded. Luckily, for both, they excelled in everything. By the time he was 12, Justin knew exactly what made a car run and all its parts. By 9, Erik could define every law vocabulary word you'd name.

But at 17, tragedy struck. The house was dark. Mother was at work, as she often was. The nannies were all fired, for the boys no longer needed them. The maids were off duty. Erik was off spinning in abandoned factory parking lots with the girl he wished he could have, but never looked at him that way. Justin slowly opened the door.

"Dad? Why aren't you working on the jag? I'm not doing it alone." He flipped the welcome room's lights on. The ceiling lit. The stairs lit. Silence. He heard a faint radio playing. Sports talk. He followed the noise to the basement. His hair stood up on his arms. He laughed it off and pictured his father sculpting another car in the basement on paper at his desk and now was excited to see what kind. Yet, his feet told a different story as he quietly crept down the stairs.

"Dad?" He called once more. His insides were screaming for him to leave. As if they knew something he didn't. He rounded the corner. And that's when he saw it.

By the next morning, none of the boys spoke a word. Hospital nurses ran by. Doctors were consoling a distraut mother breaking at the knees. Erik held onto his mother and became her support. Justin. Justin was no longer himself. That night in the basement, his soul went with his father's. And now he was a hollow shell whose eyes never came back.


--This was something I wrote years ago about Erik and his brother. I'd finish typing it but, it's long and I'm at work. I'll continue later.

RIP

Today is the anniversary of Erik's father's death. I woke up and I could hear his brother's cries down the hall. Poor little Harrison boys.

And this is the room
One afternoon I knew I could love you
And from above you how I sank into your soul
Into that secret place where no one dares to go

And your mom would drink until she was no longer speaking
And dad would dream of all the different ways to die
Each one a little more than he could dare to try

You weren't missed at Loop.

Awesome night tonight at Loop. Great people. No unwanted faces. Thank god. Laughed endlessly with Kamila about stupid people and scheming plans and doing evil plan laughs.

"Why is it not zoomed in?"
"because its zoomed out."
"uhhhh....yeeeah?"

"yo shawty do yuh know where i ken get sum weeed at?"
"kamila, did he just ask us where he can get a wii?"
"i think so"
"uh, best buy?"
"huh shawty?"
"did you say a wii?"

"i need to get some (about to sneeze) FUEL!"
"whoa"
"sorry midsneeze"
"did you just say fuel?"
"BA DA DA BA DA DA DA DA"
"ALEX jeez you're getting the fuel!"

"when he told me had to go pee and he anunciated the P in pee, i felt a hurricane hit my face, i blinked and everything"

"see the zombie make up people?"
"yeah"
"i dare you to go up to them and not notice them and then see them and scream"

"this is my friend alex."
"oh no kamila."
"she wants your number."
guy: "yeah sure"
"oh god kamila why? sorry i have no pen."
"do you have your phone?"
"kamila!"
"uh yeah"
"ok my numbers is 2..."
"wait, i dont have my phone yet"
"oh you have my phone!"
"yeah its great"
"uh, i hate mine."
"oh yeah i think it sucks.:"
"ok so yeah 201..."
"name?"
"just alex"
(says his name at this point which i completely dont hear"
"cool, have a good night."
"lets get out of here kamila. thanks."

Maybe I should at least tell my close friends I am dating Erik. Oh well. No one will know.

Then I saw Chris at loop. He looked good. He wanted to talk more. But I had to go. Sigh. He looked good.

Well. Time for sleep and cuddles with my boy. He snores funny but smells amazing and is the sweetest to wake up to.

I go through this at least 2 times a day.

Guy: Hey, my name's mike, I'm a friend of Steve's
Me: super
guy: thought you seemed cool, wanted to say hi
me: hi
guy: have we ever met?
me: no. i don't go out much anymore.
guy: oh? whys that?
me: because people annoy me.
me: i really don't like people.
guy signs off.

FTW!

I think you need one period

Breakfast in bed.

This song always made me think of Erik. The last lines (omitted here) reminded me of the heartache for Chris. But the beginning was always Erik, maybe perhaps he has maids and had a NYC flat. And now I listen to this song and smile because all the bad people and choices are gone and now it's just him.

We should order up, wash the wine out of the coffee cup
They got bread and fruit, there's probably not much else for you.
We can lay around, you can kiss me til the maids come kick us out.

It's eleven now so make every second count
But back in New York they can't ever find this out
There are things we do, that we're really not allowed
We can say anything, but we just can't say it loud.

LaminaCollective

Now I think it's alright we're together
Now I think that's a riot
Now I think it's the best you've ever played it
Now I think that's a riot
Now I think it's alright to feel inhuman
Now I think that's a riot
Now I think it's alright, we'll sing together
Now I think that's a riot

Teehee.

My boyfraaan lookz like a walking american apparel ad everyday. Today is yellow AA day.

"Alex, is it bad when I start matching my boxers to the car im driving that day."
"Nah. But, can I checkz every day to make shuuuurrrrs? :)"

Censored? No.

Secretely you're so amused that no one understands you.

True love waits.

And true love waits
In haunted attics
And true love wins
On lollipops and crisps

Just don't leave, don't leave

I'm not living
I'm just killing time
Your tiny hands
Your crazy kiss and smile

Daydreaming.

I wrapped you inside my coat
When they came to firebomb the house
I didn't feel pain, 'cause no one can touch me
Now that I'm held in your spell.

I never cared before.
I never cared before.

Now this is excitement.

Thom Yorke, Drive-in movie theaters, Mont Tremblaunt, Band video shoot in NYC.
Life couldn't be more exciting. Finally. I don't even care that it's raining cats and dogs outside.

I'm watching videos of Erik's band and man, I am worried. Everyone in the band is ridiculously good looking. And it doesn't help that Erik and Justin are both in it since they are mirror images of each other. Sigh. How'd I get so blessed? He could be dating a supermodel. I've looked like hell since he's got here. Sigh. Anyways.

Loop tonight.

Don't show your face and ruin my night. Go infest some place else.

Singing.

Erik and I sang Taylor Swift at the top of our lungs in the car today. He's so cute. he brought me cough drops. I didn't want to tell him that they won't work. I'll try and cough a lot less near him so he thinks they do.

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you was fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town

And I said
Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head, I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring
And said

Marry me, Juliet, you'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It's a love story, baby, just say yes

Keep making me the person I should be.

Want eats now.

Cuddles.

He drops to his knees. Says,
"Please, my love, please,
I'll kill who you hate.
Take off that dress,
you won't freeze."

I no longer care about anyone here. No one can hurt me anymore now that I have the one person whose always protected me.

Go fuck off and don't read my blog. You were in my life. You had a small part in upsetting me for a few weeks. OF COURSE ILL WRITE ABOUT YOU. Get over it and grow a pair.

Lolz.

ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT ROVERT

Sick Drive.

Erik just took me for a ride today in his new car. It was hilarious. We drove in the woods and blasted the radio and sang along to all the corny songs. It was like how me and Chris were. Not to compare. But it was so fun. It's just the fun moments you look back on and you realize that you enjoy life. I remember once being in a car with Trevor and he knew none of the songs on the radio. Car rides were boring with him. It was a dramatic long movie you wanted to rip your eyes out to. And I remember it made me miss car rides with Chris so much more. But thats how everything was with him. Everything was so serious and...I don't know. He was a snooty person. He was those kids in the South Park Episode making fun of the Cure. Those gothic kids. Minus the gothicness. You know? I mean, i get like that. But all the time? Live sometimes. Have some fun. And don't dramatize it.


But now Erik is back and I couldn't be happier about that. The pounding headache has set in though. It won't stop. Back to laying in bed again.

Outcasted

freaks.

I wish

some people would act more American. You just creep me out now. Embrace the life you were born into and stop worshiping and following someone else's. No wonder you liked so many freaks.

I need to get out of this bed.

It's killing me staying here stuck here motionless unable to breathe or swallow. Erik came back and watched movies with me. We watched Pet Sematary.

He likes so many things I've never even heard of its intense. All these old foreign documentaries. He says he wants to show me them all while I'm sick and fill me with some "worldly knowledge." I responded that just because he graduated from Oxford he can't think hes smarter than me in everything. Although he is. But I won't let him know that.

I tried telling him about Trevor but I stopped myself realizing that what Trevor did to me, I did to Erik. Although for Erik it was magnified. Hes loved me since I was 15 and had to watch me go from guy to guy getting hurt and consoling me and waiting. I feel horrible. He seems like such a strong person now. He doesn't do drugs anymore. Thank god. And his band is still doing amazing surprisingly since he's been away. Now they can start shows again which I am excited about. Erik showed me all the new material and it literally gave me goosebumps. Talent in a nutshell. Just flawless. His voice has never sounded clearer, smoother, and more beautiful. I seriously melted. And although I knew all the love songs were written about me, it hurt hearing the ones about how much pain I brought him and a lot of words he used to describe me. I asked him if thats how he really felt about me and he swore he was only angry and theyre just songs.

I don't want to get scared. I mean, it's Erik. He's different. He's ALWAYS stuck around. Maybe things could be different this time. We're finally both on the same page after all these years.

Irony.

"Please be there for me when I come home in October."

Erik is finally home from London at Oxford graduated. I am so proud of him. Top of his class. As tough as it was for me, it was a good decision for him to go to London to finish school. He had too many distractions here. Mainly me. His mom got him a brand new Jag of course. I couldn't help but laugh. Anyways. Hes always wanted me. Since I was 15. Perfect dream guy. Smart. Gorgeous. Rich. Successful. Sweet. Talented. I mean, you name it. And Ive always had a boyfriend. So we remained friends. Then best friends. Then the entire stunt with Chris happened and it drove him insane and he had to leave because he couldnt stand me being so hurt over someone so shitty.

And so he's back. And I'm single. And...It doesn't even matter. Because I'm sick. And I don't know when or if I'll get better.

He came over today and laid with me in bed and I cried and apologized a million times for not choosing him and for ruining everything. And he held me and I remembered why I've always loved him.

Since I'll obviously be in bed on Halloween weekend, he even said he'd skip his first halloween back here to lay in bed with me and watch movies all night. Seriously, a sweet heart.


Regardless, I'm scared. Very scared. Seeing blood every time I cough is something I will have to get used to.

Scared.

Coughing up blood. I can't stop crying. I am terrified.

Consistent

Hospital Visits. 105 fever and things are gray.

Stay there.

5 AM Wake up Call

Just got woken up by a dream. It's 5 AM and I'm drenched in sweat.

I had a dream where you took me for a ride on a Jet ski. You grinned as I got on and said you were going to try and knock me off. I begged you to not go so fast because I'm scared of waves hitting my face if I fell off. You looked at me and said, "Darling, there are going to be waves sucking you in in real life. You have to get used to it." Needless to say, I woke up before you got the chance to throw me off.

Metaphorical?

Another Vicodin and its back to bed.

Tonight I feel good. And it's not just the pain killers. I don't know you anymore. It is done. And it's a huge weight off my shoulders. No more trying so hard to show you how much I care about you. Call me obsessed. Whatever. But I would have given you the world.

I feel relieved though. No more handstands and cartwheels to get your attention.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,568982,00.html

Stories like that make me sad. This innocent girl with such life and potential getting killed by someone. And here I still am. Blowing through lights and infecting myself and not eating. And nothing ever happens.

the more i try to erase you
the more the more the more that you appear

no, you're alone you're alone, you're alone

You make me feel like the lowest being alive. Like I am worth nothing. And I could say it hurts. But all you'd do is cry about how awful you feel. God, you're pathetic.

You found someone new.
I will remain happy for you.
I will remain happy for you.

I always knew this day would come.
Relax and breathe.

sitting around, no work today
try pacing to keep awake
laying around, no school today
just drink until the clock has circled all the way

it's late afternoon
as you walk through the rooms
of a house that is quiet
except for unanswered telephones
you stand near the sink
you're mixing a drink
you think you don't want to pass out
where your mother will find you again

stumble around the neighborhood with nothing to do
you're always looking for something
to sniff, smoke, or swallow
calling over next door to see what they got
but you would settle for anything
that would make your brain slow down or stop
break this circle of thoughts you chase
before they catch back up with you
and your parents noticied your thinning face,
all the weight you lost--
all the weight you are losing

you said, "i'm done feeling like a skeleton
no more sleep walking dead"
you're going to wake from this coma
you're going to crawl from this bed you have made
and stop counting on that camera
that hangs round your neck
because it won't ever remember
what you choose to forget
as you try to find some source of light
try to name one thing you like
you used to have such a longer list
and light you never had to look for it
but now it's so easy-- it's so easy to
it's so easy-- it's so easy to
second guess everything you do
until all you want is all you want is to
to finish this half empty glass
before the ice all melts away
this feeling always used to pass
but seems like it's every day
it seems like it's every night now

The only thing worse than a horrible person is a person who complains about being a horrible person and does nothing about it.

It's hurting less and less. But I'm also liking you less and less as a person.

Interesting.

So, well well, I am sick again. I can't say I'm surprised. Last night was good though. Jay decided to take me out to eat because he knows I haven't eaten in days. So we go to Tops Diner in Harrison. Wow. Amazing diner. I got a whole lot of food and ate only the salad. Then back to Jay's house to watch TV and eat some amazing cheese cake. I like hanging with him. I have my walls up so I'm trying not to get attached. People seem to not like it when I like them. So, for now we're just hanging out. He's really funny and I don't think I've ever laughed so hard with a guy. He's also really layed back and smart in a common sense type of way and very reasonable. Who knows. I don't want to get myself excited only to be let down again. Keeping to myself has been working for me lately. Sort of.

I wish I'd stop waiting for someone to cradle me and just do it myself.

I'm starting to get really worried that my body is going to eat itself alive. Its not accepting any other type of food. Either I gag before eating it or I throw it up. I keep missing work. All I do is sleep. What is wrong with me? Theres this empty pit in my stomach. I can feel it. And it's just sitting there.

Feel Good Revolution

If only I can trap this happy state of mind and hold it for a little while longer. Perhaps place it in a knapsack and carry it with me when you're not feeling so generous.


You cannot kickstart a dead horse
You just crush yourself and walk away
I don't care what the future holds
'Cause I'm right in your arms today
With your fingers you can touch me

I'm for spare parts, broken up.

This summed me up perfectly.

This sums up how I felt. But now it is closed.

I'm in a skip divided malfunction
I flap around and dive bomb
Frantically around your light
Enveloped in a sad distraction
I got your voice repeating endlessly
Could you guide me in?
Could you smother me?

I swoop around your head
But I never hit
I'm blinded by your daylight
Electric veins pass through me
I thought there was this big connection

I'm known to bite in tight situations
And I head into your french windows
I thought there was a big connection
I only got my name I only got my situation
I just need my number and location

And my mum keeps telling me
Hey hey hey hey hey hey
The devil may
Hey hey hey hey hey hey


You are a fool
For sticking round
Yeah you are a fool
For sticking round

I tried every trick in the book
I tried to look and knew
Every trick in the book
But how come I look?

No more common dress or elliptical caress
Don't look into your eyes cause I'm desperately in love
In love

When you walk in the room everything disappears
When you walk in the room it's a terrible mess
When you walk in the room I start to melt
When you walk in the room I follow you round

Like a dog, I'm a dog, I'm a dog, I'm a lapdog
I'm your lapdog, yeah

I need to stop thinking that if I run from you, I'll sometime turn around and see you chasing after me. It just won't happen.

I'd be a hypocrite if I was angry at someone who didn't appreciate someone who cares about them. I do it every day. I am my own worst enemy. I need to go for a car ride and just be there for myself. Because in the end, I am the only person listening to myself talk.

I need to start paying attention more to the people who are there for me and genuinely care for me instead of those who can care less.

I feel like such an awful person. I have Jenn constantly asking to see me she told me she wants to make sure I am okay and wants to hear what I am going through. She actually wants to sit next to me and hear the things that haunt me. She is willing to take a break from being pregnant and all these things to hear about ME. And all I do is shun her away. I have Matt asking me if I'm okay every night and asking if I need anything. I have countless nice guy asking to take me out to eat and listen about my life. Actually ASK ME QUESTIONS ABOUT MY LIFE AND TALK TO ME. They actually are interested in what I have to say. And I shun them.

All I can do is devote my time to someone....forget it. I don't even want to talk about this anymore. I am too ashamed of myself.

Loneliness will eat you alive until you're nothing. It's been doing it for years for me. And no one seems to care.

Yeah.

Pete: "Do you ever wonder how someone could even like you?"
Ben: "All the time, man. Like every day. I wonder how you like me."
Pete: "How can Debbie like me? She likes me. I mean, she loves me. The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. She loves me so much that she wants me around all the time. That's our biggest problem. And I can't even accept that? Like, that upsets me?"

No matter who the person is, anyone will walk all over you given the chance.

There is no such thing as unconditional.

I wish, for once, some one would just be on the same page as me.

I thought we were friends.

where have you gone

Where have you gone?
Please lift one finger so I know it is you.
Where have you gone?

You left your brown strings on your head
you left your green gems in your eyes
you left your frail bones under your knees
but where are you?

You were what I wanted to be.
Your entrails all over the street
And i'd pick them up one by one
and theyd fit perfectly on me

You are a black rock tossed at the bottom of the well.

Night Falls.

I just got home. 3:10am. About to go to sleep. Smiling turns into nothing. I miss you. I hope you are doing good out there.

Tonight

Tonight I had a great night. I was able to keep my mind off Trevor and just have a good time. Jay was a super cool guy to go see Paranormal Activity with and he held me whenever i'd scream. Then we got lost and took the wrong road back, but it's okay because we had great music accompanying it. Great outlook on life and we had an awesome conversation driving home. Definitely has to happen again. :)

IS..

I'm moving on. I'm actually really excited for new people to be in my life. And it seems like this is going to work. And we are really done.

Why am I so sad about it?

I think, it's just, such a shame.

But, I think we will make amazing band mates. And I am so very happy to have you in my life regardless. Ok. Time to go out and see Where the Wild Things Are. I hope your show is going well. I hope I occasionally pop you in your mind....Yeah...

I

I want you to know. No matter who is next to me at night.
I will always think the world of you.
You are my favorite piece.

Hehe

My god this boy is adorable. Smiling to myself. Watching Drag me to Hell in bed :)

Cut the kids in half.

Cut the strings.
One by one.
Boat for none.
Take a dive between the weeds

I want you to save me.
I want everyone to leave me be.
i want you to save me
please don't come after me.

lets make it too late
no pulse, blue hands
the stretcher is empty
i am lost at sea

Cut the strings
One by one
boat for none
i've taken a dive between the weeds

Roots

Roots and worms.
I am waiting down here.
Dirt and stems.
Mouth taped, you cant hear.

"I'm an animal trapped in your hot car."

You are not him. Not him.

There's an empty space inside my heart
That once held you but now I
Set you free
I set you free

Cause all I want is the moon upon a stick
Just to see what is
Just to see what gives

the bird that's flown into my room

Just

Just be my chemical
Lift me up
You don't have to stick around.

Open the curtain and make an appearance
Ill be your best audience
take a bow take a bow

You are my favorite act.

I will enjoy the breaks.

But you are my favorite act.

Run across the country.
Run your fingers through her hair
Feel your legs around anothers
Just return and give me a fix.

It is all I need.

Is that too much?

Every show ends
Every broadway play gets old.
So stay for a bit.

Lifesaver

i broke the glass trying to get out
frigid waters in the hudson
I think ill stay down here
i feel safe down here

can you bring me an extra gas tank
drop it in and give me your lips
ill suck any life out of you that i can
and that will do.

and then you can leave
run to her to them
run to your submarine bed

i dont want to tie you up in knots
i dont want your smell in my head
i dont want your hand grasping onto mine
i dont want your voice in my ears

i want your body imprint fresh on my sheets
i want your breathe in my oxygen tank

be the dream between
my narrowing tunnel with no light
and any good moves i make
be the dream in betwen

Thank you.

2 Painkillers.
2 Steroids.
3 Sleeping pills
3 Ativans.

This sleep will be glorious.

Losing it,

I am completely and utterly losing it. There is no reason for me to be here. It scares me every day how much I get closer and closer to actually just disappearing forever.

I wish someone would save me.

Anyone. Anything.

But it's not coming.

And I'm almost done waiting.

Not sure how much longer I can keep hanging on.

Unsympathetic.

My bent antennas have distorted your image of me.
Swallowing pills helps me sleep while you are out.
My words were a pinch on your skin and bones.
Your actions were the bullets through my mouth.

Let's stand and compare.
Your cheeks are dry.
That night I blew through every stop sign.

My life in a Radiohead song.

That there
That's not me
I go
Where I please
I walk through walls
I float down the Liffey
I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here

In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah it's gone
And I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here

Strobe lights and blown speakers
Fireworks and hurricanes
I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here

Pointless.

Well, after a long drive to the train station, and after a bunch of "Man you are such an amazing girl. I don't know what happened between us. You are so wonderful and beautiful"'s I realized that this ride was completely pointless.

Then I showed him where I worked and we pulled over to see the city skyline across the Hudson. "Let's go for a walk" He said. I knew where this was going. "Lets get back in the car. It's getting late."

Then a "I really want to kiss you." And I asked if he was seeing anyone, in which he replied he was. I then turned the other way and declined. "I hope to see you soon again."

Right. Fun. I'm tired of being someone's fun and that's it. Too bad he was incredibly adorable and successful. But, it is what it is. I'm glad that we could at least be sort of friends and I did have a good night with him.

I just really need to be alone right now. For myself. I really hope I don't meet anyone that will make me think otherwise because I have the worst flaw for falling for someone as soon as they tell me I'm beautiful. I need to focus on school. My last semester! And working better. And last but not least this music duo with Trevor, which couldnt make me happier, because I can actually be friends with him. I just hope it remains that way. I hope things don't get complicated. And as surprised as I am to say it, I hope he doesnt become a friend that I truely care and love and then has feelings for me. Because I've had too many friendships ruined to that and this is one I definitely care about keeping around. I would never want to hurt him and I know how I am. I don't ever go backwards. He is a great person and I know we can smoosh our creative abilities together and make something great.

Anyways. I'm babbling. I need to study. This week will be hectic. Back in the dating world just so I can meet new faces and replace old ones that are a bad influence and speak badly about me beneath their breaths. Date with Dave on Friday should be cute. Seeing Stefan and taking him to Loop on Wednesday should also be fun. I'm slowly warming up to him. Then seeing this guy on Saturday that my friend is setting me up with. Should be interesting. I just love meeting new people. And learning new things. I'm in no mood to settle down and fall for anyone. I fell for someone amazing and it was what it was. And I don't think I'll find someone like him again, so I'll stick to what I do best. Meeting and Deleting.

Sadie is observing the stars on my ceiling. I wonder if she can find the big dipper.

Man I love this dog.

beauty supreme.
Yeah, you were right about me.
But can I get myself out from underneath
This guilt that will crush me
and in the choir I saw our sad Messiah.
He was bored and tired of my laments.
Said, "I died for you one time, but never again"
Never again, never again.

Well I love you so much, but do me a favor baby, don't reply.
because I can dish it out, but I can't take it.

Well take me, take me back to your bed
I love you so much that it hurts my head
Say I don't mind you under my skin
I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in
When we were made we were set apart
Life is a test and I get bad marks
Now some saint got the job of writing down my sins
The storm is coming, the storm is coming in

Oh I'm in trouble.

Stupid butterflies. Stupid Stupid butterflies. He's some boy from the past. Man, why is he still so darn adorable. Of course I'm driving him to the train station tonight. Sigh.

I'm glad.

We raked away the dead leaves.
The dying trees have been plowed.
The rotten apples have all been picked.
We dressed as garbage collectors and
cleaned up our roads.
Shedding off the old skin.
So we can now begin.
Winter is coming.
Winter is coming.
Let's make a New Years soundtrack.

It's Impossible to Find a Parking Spot in Alphabet City

Around my birthday, I met this great guy Chris. We dated for a month and things were amazing. Movie magic. Of course, I wasn't ready to settle down so things went sour. He made me learn a lot, and although he did too see my ugly side, I'm extremely glad we can be friends now. In fact I will be seeing him tonight since he is back in Jersey visiting his parents. I love how things work out sometimes. But anyways, this is a song I wrote about him..

It's Impossible to find a spot in Alphabet City

it was my birthday

you had joined me for a smoke

my friend warned you about me

but you didn't care

it took only minutes for you to wisk me

away to the city

you said i was beautiful

you couldnt help but stare

snap of fingers

we were in your shower

brushing our teeth

and laughing till it hurt

you traced my bodies outline

like a crime scene

my blood went cold

as i sank my teeth into your shirt

the sheep started soring

you played the piano for me

the village was still moving

you played the piano for me

it blocked out the traffic

and eased me to sleep

id wake up next morning

you left a note that read

"here is money for coffee

and a breakfast sandwich my sweet"

i wandered the streets on st marks

and smiled at the bums

i smelt you off the shirt on my back

as the sidwalk scorched my feet

snap of fingers

we were in your kitchen

the salmon was burning

and the brocolli reeked

you placed me on the counter

and held your nose

i said sorry for the stink

you smiled and told me not to speak

the sheep started soring

you played the piano for me

the village was still moving

you played the piano for me

it blocked out the traffic

and eased me to sleep

it was not long until i said goodnight to st. marks

my ugly side stained your satin sheets

it was not long until i said goodnight to alphabet city

i had made my escape