I'm an animal trapped in your hot car.

You are all I need.

Things are changing. My life has turned a huge page. Actually, a new book.

You are my center when I spin away.

No matter what happens now
I won't be afraid
Because I know today has been the most perfect day I've ever seen.

I am a walking, talking lab rat.

Another fucking tour. In two weeks. Is this really happening? He might as well have never left London.

He'll be in California for New Years Eve. I thought this would be over and fixed by now. I'm trying to respect his dreams but I can only wait for so long and live the way I've been living.

Sigh.

As much as I get a lot of amusement and knowledge from reddit, it is extremely one-sided. I feel like I need to go to foxnews and then reddit to get the big picture on everything.

Hypocrites.

Smoke's filled the air and I'm struggling to breathe.
Let them be calm, so I finally can sleep.
Everything you intended to say,
Don't go back on your words.
You always said you'd tell me first.

Verse after endless verse, I can't escape the echoed words.
I long to find a cure for the feeling I find in these chords.
I smile as it burns.

Your face is light and cocaine white.
One message beating through.

I've been erased.
I've been erased from the picture.
Excuse, oh no, anything goes.
Excuses, you know it doesn't work.
Excuse, oh no, anything goes.
Excuses don't work.
Excuse me, this will calls out desperate end.
Excuse me, this will calls out desperate:

Sick.

This is not a riddle
But it's meant to entertain.
I'll be your loyal Apostle
Just send me in to take the blame.

Well what would you expect to say?
It never mattered anyway

There'll be a site and an invisible light
Shown down on them and took them in
There'll be a time when maybe tonight
Temptations win and I give in

This is not a puzzle or mainframe
But it's meant to strengthen your faith
And each time the night falls upon us
We always end up the same

Well what would you expect to say?
It never mattered anyway

There'll be a site and an invisible light
Shown down on them and took them in
There'll be a time when maybe tonight
Temptations win and I give in

Were we not born into original sin?
What you ask for is what you get
And what you were given
So fold your hands and get down on your knees

Atheism.

I'm not all about religion. I am not even too positive that a God exists. How do I know? How does anyone know?

But you don't see many people that believe that some sort of supreme being exist, go out bashing athiests do you?

All you hear are athiests making fun of those that simply believe. Like it affects you. Like me praying and going to sleep with a smile on my face because I believe if I died my soul will go somewhere, affects you.

In the end, I find it the funniest seeing how compared to believers, atheists are generally very nasty and mocking of those who simply choose to live their lives a certain way.

Bottom line. I don't get why believers and non-believers have reason to downgrade each other. In the end, we're all people with the same brains.

i'll post this here since I know reddit will complain about the Foxnews source.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,575295,00.html?test=latestnews

Right.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/15/weekinreview/12wade.html?_r=1

My Anthem.

If I'm a bad person, you don't like me.
Well I guess I'll make my own way.
It's a circle, a mean cycle.
I can't excite you anymore.

Where's your gavel? Your jury? What's my offense this time?

You're not a judge but if you're gunna judge me, well sentence me to another life.

Don't want to hear your sad songs.
Don't want to feel your pain.
When you say it's all my fault
Cause you know we're not the same.
No, we're not the same.

You treat me just like another stranger.
Well it's nice to meet you, sir.
I guess I'll go.

I can't sleep. I can't speak to you.

Crying.

It's smothering me.

Hey paul, hey paul, hey paul. Let's have a ball.

I feel like I have a trampoline in my head with a net down the middle. And I am constantly jumping from one side to the other. I can never make up my mind about something. I constantly make excuses for both sides.

For example, I've recently come to the conclusion that I am a heartless person. I do not care for anyone around me.

But, yesterday I realized that I do have a heart. I've been very stressed from school. I haven't been working a lot and losing a lot of money. Yet, while at work, finally working...Jenn calls me and says she is going to the ultrasound tech to find out the sex of her baby and asked if I could go because she is going alone. I sadly told her I could because I need money from work. However, then I thought about her...finding out the great sex of her baby, an amazing tear jerker moment where you want someone to jump up and down with you with excitement as soon as the technician utters "It's a ____". And I imagined her. My bestfriend since 4th grade. The only person who really knows me and loves me so much. I imagined her alone. No one to turn and smile to when she found out the sex. And it crushed me. So I called her, knowing that I'd get further into debt, but I called her and told her of course I'd go and I wouldn't miss it for the world. She was so happy.

And then the technician asked her if she wanted to know the sex. I had a ten dollar bet that it was a boy. And jenn claimed it was a girl. Jenn said yes and the technician showed us the baby's legs. Then...the testicles and penis. I shrieked. Jenn sighed and then smiled. We both had tears in our eyes. Truely an amazing beautiful moment. Then, after leaving, I finally had time to work on some homework. However, Kamila had gotten out early from work and it was her birthday. And I thought to myself, "I don't want my good friend alone on her birthday." So I took her out to eat, even though I have no money nor time. It made me happy seeing her happy.

I can't be so heartless if I do things like that for my friends, right?

But then I think. Maybe I only did it because I want something in return. Is that why everyone does nice things? I don't know. I can't figure this out. I always though I was a good person. Until I've come across so so many people tell me I'm not and that they thought I didn't care about the world.

I'm so easily influenced by people's words. I hate it.

I'm the entertainer. Watch me fail. Hold your applause.

Pressure.

Now is not the time in my life where I need so much pressure. I have too many people hounding down my back expecting things from me. I can't do it right now. The rest of my life is sand in my hands. Each person is just pulling my fingers apart and letting the rest of my life slip in between them. I can't be rude and tell them to leave me alone but I've told everyone COUNTLESS times that I can't be around right now.

I need a box. And a lock. And me inside that box.

Holy Moley.

Notice the red fire truck. Notice the old lady on the bike on the left. Click forward. Find old lady.

http://maps.google.nl/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=nl&geocode=&q=Jordanus+Hoornstraat,+3812+Amersfoort&sll=51.441072,5.473185&sspn=0.006219,0.01649&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=Jordanus+Hoornstraat,+3812+Amersfoort,+Utrecht&layer=c&cbll=52.156793,5.375724&panoid=QxTBkKdBEh4vYH2enrbvrQ&cbp=12,104.63,,0,17.08&ll=52.156739,5.37593&spn=0,359.993927&t=h&z=18

Heh.

The boy just texted me saying, "Theres a subway, starbucks, coldstone, and gamestop in this plaza. You'd be in heaven."

Hahha. This is true. Sip sip.

Wave of Mutilation on repeat.

sleeping on your belly
you break my arms
you spoon my eyes
been rubbing a bad charm
with holy fingers

gouge away
you can gouge away
stay all day
if you want to

Reddit just made me spit out my coffee at work.

"I tried telling my wife ten puns hoping one would make her laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did."

i'll always remember this moment.

We were driving to your band practice. Typical Saturday mornings. The sun shone bright and I was wearing a new outfit and my hair looked perfect. I was pleased. We made that dangerous left hand turn out of your driveway onto 206 and whined about the sun in our eyes. You had lost your sunglasses and so I lent you mine. Of course they were the huge obnoxious typical valley girl sunglasses. I had two pairs. You put yours on and I put mine. Then we just looked at each other and laughed hysterically at how ridiculous we looked.

Then you grabbed my hand. And you smiled and said, "I love us together." It was perhaps the sweetest thing you ever said to me, right after, "You're so beautiful when you sleep, mainly because you're not talking or complaining."

I don't think I've ever been happier and more at ease than that day and I always think back to it.

Now you are with some new girl. She is now sleeping in your bed. She is now hearing your father's corny jokes and being asked if she wants a Take a Boost. She is now playing with Rosie and acting polite in front of your mother. Of course, she doesn't have to try so hard to be prim and proper in front of her as I did. She looks very...mature and sweet. Probably gives you none of the problems that I did.

I can't say I miss you, because I barely know you anymore. I can't say I miss our relationship, because we were both miserable.

Perhaps I simply wish that the memories meant more. That our time together meant more.

I'll always love the person I thought of you as and wish you nothing but the best.

But then again, you'll never read this.

You know what I miss the most?

Trusting people. And believing that there are good souls out there.

Everyone to me is a self absorbed bacterial petri dish.

Must keep gloves and protective gear on.

Just was looking through old tweets since ALL MY NEW ONES are deleted. Wtf.

I came across "Are you ok? Cause you're kind of humping the door." and "Metuchen senior citizens" and laughed for a few seconds. Then got sad and sighed.

I wish things didn't go this way and I wish people didn't stop talking to each other.

Man, I hate you.

Bursting of Head in 5 4 3...

This a list of things I will need to have done within the next year. No wait, the next SIX months.

1. Update resume
2. Graduate
3. Apply for jobs at MMC
4. Move to the city
5. Take GRE's
6. Apply for Grad school at NYU for MBA program
7. Take CFA exam
8. Take actuarial exam P1

Meanwhile, I have so many other things on my plate. I think I need to drop a few people/things. My head is going to explode.

Smiles.

Sunday morning I woke up to breakfast in bed. Two eggs, tater totts, and amazing toast. Salt and pepper and butter all provided as well. Super sweet.

I don't want to hear your sad songs.
I don't want to feel your pain.
When you say it's all my fault
cause you know we're not the same.

You treat me just like another stranger.
Well it's nice to meet you, sir.
I guess I'll go.

Got no time for feeling sorry.

We still live in the same town, well, don't we?
But I don't see you around anymore.
I go to all the same places, not even a trace of you
Your days are numbered at 24.
And I'm getting bored waiting round for you,
We're not getting any younger
and I won't look back cause there's no use
It's time to move forward.

I feel no sympathy,
You live inside a cave.
You barely get by while the rest of us are trying.
there's no need to apologize,
I've got no time for feeling sorry.

I know.

"I have never met anyone with a darker blacker colder heart than yours. You really are the cruelest person I have ever met."

I know this. It takes a year to turn your heart into stone. I am so sorry, but I do love you.

This is so me.

Why?

Why do I date more than one person at the same time? It keeps me from devoting all my attention to one, because I have a bad habit of doing that.

Overload.

Too many plans. Too many people. I want to crawl in bed alone and just be by myself. I did this to myself though so I'll bare it for now.

And the hits just keep on coming.

Old flame and his girlfriend just broke up. He's asked me to come visit him in the city tonight.

Swallowing any guilt and locking it up in a box deep within my chest.

I will gladly play the role of horrible selfish monster that everyone seems to perceive me as.

Scary.

This morning, I heard someone whisper sweetly, "Alex wake up" in my ear. No one was home. And I almost overslept and my alarm never went off.

Why on earth would you send me this?

You bite through the big wall, the big wall bites back
You just sit there and sulk, sit there and grow old
You are so pretty when you're on your knees
Disaffected, and eager to please

Sometimes you sulk, sometimes you burn
God rest your soul
When the loving comes and we've already gone
Just like your dad, you'll never change

It's nothing personal. You're an embarrassment.

I don't mind being your arm candy.
In fact, that is all I want.

Guilty.

The ones we trusted the most pushed us far away.

Well, Loop last night was fun. Met up with Andy and hung out with Tory. Got a little too wasted. Well, not wasted, but not sober enough to drive home so Andy had to drive my car home. I'm starting to think that Andy might actually like me and think this is heading somewhere. I really wish to tell all these people that it's not and that I'm not in the right mind frame. I just really like hanging with them. I'm actually very attracted to Andy, which gets hard to do sometimes. At one point, I got up to talk to Tory and I turn and there is some girl flirting with him. So, I'm fine with it. I think, "good, he's not saving himself for me." Then I get texts telling me to save him so I walk over and the girl apologizes and tells him, "I can take the hint, thanks." Hahaha. Then he tells me to never leave him again. Foreshadowing? He wants to see me Saturday so we are going to Brooklyn to see Those Mockingbirds play. I'm excited.

To top it all off, the guy from my class. The guy that pretty much caused the actual breaking up of me and Trevor, asked me out last night after class to go on a date. Hahaha. Crazy. He seems interesting. Very goodlooking and smart and witty. I love wit. So I'm excited to do that.

So. It's Andy from Loop. Jay, Fredi's friend. Eric from class. And I feel like I might be missing one. I'm sure there is another one.

And Erik. Whose on tour and I try so hard not to think about. Everytime I do, this guilt just comes over me. I hope he's not avoiding girls on my behalf. I want him to have fun. I'll be here when he returns.

In a few months...

lawlz

http://venturebeat.com/2009/11/03/world-of-warcraft-ordered-to-shut-down-in-china-again/

Blogging.

So after class last night I went to go watch a movie with Jay. We rented this old independent horror film with subtitles called "Sauna." I tried standing it. Haha. But, it did eventually get my attention. Awful ending, although I did jump. I like hanging with Jay, I feel comfortable with him for some odd reason. Yet, I'm getting worried. As we were laying down after the movie, he started naming things he liked about me and how he enjoyed laying with me and having my company. I wanted to tell him to not get attached. I'm at such a bad point in my life and I can't risk it. I can't risk myself getting hurt again. I need to finish school and head to the city and that's all I can worry about right now. For now, I'll just hope he won't want anything more.

But perhaps the best part of my night, was getting home and having Erik surprise me. Apparently he had a show in Philly in the evening and drove all the way to me before heading to New England. Nothing feels better than laying in his ridiculously huge bed and having him sing me to sleep. I was a wreck and he always has the right words to say. He always knows how to cheer me up and see things from a different and better perspective. I explained my debacle and he told me he's always known the real me and that I'm perfect the way I am. And he said it so sincere. And told me not worry about those that don't matter. People spray out words and advice that they themselves don't live by. People eat at you all while telling you to be a better person. A walking hypocrite. I won't make the same mistakes again. I got by fine not caring about the world or about anyone else other than myself. It's when I let someone in and actually cared for someone that they dropped me like a fly. Regardless, I know what I must do now and I know that Erik will be back from tour soon and we can finally give us a chance.

I've got a tight grip on reality
but i can't let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream.

Hate is home.

Don't talk politics and don't throw stones
Your royal highnesses

Well of course i'd like to sit around and chat
Well of course i'd like to stay and chew the fat
Well of course i'd like to sit around and chat

You never happened and you don't exist.

“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”
— Mark Twain

“When we quit thinking primarily about ourselves and our own self-preservation, we undergo a truly heroic transformation of consciousness.”
— Joseph Campbell

You are not welcome here.

“Whatever became of the moment when one first knew about death? There must have been one, a moment, in childhood, when it first occurred to you that you don’t go on forever. It must have been shattering, stamped into one’s memory. And yet I can’t remember it. It never occurred to me at all. We must be born with an intuition of mortality. Before we know the word for it, before we know that there are words, out we come, bloodied and squalling…with the knowledge that for all the points of the compass, there’s only one direction and time is its only measure.”
— Tom Stoppard - Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead

Dramatic.

“We’re all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn’t. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.”

-Charles Bukowski

Yeah.

I'm going away for a while
But I'll be back, don't try and follow me
'Cause I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes

And run
From them, from them
With no direction
We'll run from them, from them
With no conviction

'Cause I'm just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don't need no road
In fact they follow me

And we just go in circles

Well Now I'm told that this is life
And pain is just a simple compromise
So we can get what we want out of it
Would someone care to classify,
A broken heart and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on

And run
To them, to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not useless
We are just

Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there's no one road
We should not be the same
But I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me

Hmmm.

So last night I went on a date with this guy Andy I met at Loop. I was really nervous because I didn't know a single thing about him prior to and I wondered if he secretely worshipped Creed or Nickelback. So before hanging out, I asked for his facebook just to see and he gave it to me. I realized he sings in a band. Of course. So I texted him and said, "Oh no, you don't play in a band do you?" and he responds, "Well, as Radiohead says, Anyone can play guitar." I literally almost choked. Nevertheless, the entire night was a blast and I'm excited to hang out with him again.

As far as Erik goes, I miss him to death. It sucks that he's away for so long in London and now he's on tour. Figures. He calls me constantly and texts me and last night sang me to sleep over the phone. Sweetest most beautiful person alive. Last weekend when we went to his studio and we sang together, it literally was the greatest feeling singing with someone you feel so strongly for for so many years.

No one is as lucky as us
We're not at the end but
But we already won
Oh no, no one
Is as lucky as us
Is as lucky as us

Now I've got a feeling if I sang this loud enough, you
Would sing it back to me
I've got a feeling if I sang this loud enough, you
Will sing it back to me

My fault.

Erase yourself and you'll be free
and something destroyed by the sea
all we are is coloured sand
so pay the ride, the ferris wheel
smile all that you can feel
there's gratiude for what has been
for it did not happen.

There's money lenders inside the temple
circus tigers gonna break my heart
something so wild turned into paper
if I loved you well thats my fault.
There's money lenders inside the temple
this crystal citys gonna fall apart
when all their power turns into vapour
if I miss you well thats my fault
thats my fault
thats my fault

Horrible.

Oh, I'll settle down with some old story
About a boy who's just like me
Thought there was love in everything and everyone
You're so naive!
After a while they always get it
They always reach a sorry end
Still it was worth it as I turned the pages solemnly, and then
With a winning smile, the boy
With naivety succeeds
At the final moment, I cried
I always cry at endings

INSERT SIDE REMARKS HERE HERE HERE

He's only my enemy
I'll crush him with everything I own.

Oh man.

Me: so i have a date with another 30 year old tomorrow.
Jenn: good, they are more mature.
Me: yeah, he asked me how old i was, and i told him how im 21 and he said he was 29 and asked if i was still interested
Jenn: uh alex?
Me: Yeah?
Jenn: you're 22.
Me: (thinking) holy shit, i am.

Yeah. My best friend had to remind me how old I am. I seriously can't believe i forgot I'm 22.

"But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair. "


-South of the Border, West of the Sun by Haruki Murakami

I want him in my pocket.

Take me back to when I was happy.

how?

How is it possible that I am dating the most beautiful person alive and I cannot even be happy.

I just want to be happy. Why is it so hard?

Nobody knows it.

But I am the most awful person I know.

Sigh.

I used to know this girl
Who gave her love away
To every guy she met
And with all the games they played
She never seemed to cry
She never got upset
And one by one they came
And one by one they left
I thought that I could fix her
If she would let me in
But all of my advances
Were shut down in the end
When days turned into months
I begged her to explain
And this is what she sang

It's not like I'm a slut
Or that I really like to fuck
I just want every boy I see
To walk away with part of me
Until there's nothing left to hold
Until there's nothing left to hate
I appreciate your help
But even you can't save me from myself

Toss up.

Even though I'm sad and lonely as hell, dating someone rich has its perks. Erik gave me his credit card to go shopping today. I had a blast.

On another note, I now know of 3 different bands that sing a song about me. Two are mean and one, is just sad. I should really start dating guitarists, or maybe a drummer.


"She's got big shoes to fill to match her empty heart."

Sweet.

This is what they call a meltdown.

So I spent my entire morning crying in the shower.