Losing it,

I am completely and utterly losing it. There is no reason for me to be here. It scares me every day how much I get closer and closer to actually just disappearing forever.

I wish someone would save me.

Anyone. Anything.

But it's not coming.

And I'm almost done waiting.

Not sure how much longer I can keep hanging on.

Unsympathetic.

My bent antennas have distorted your image of me.
Swallowing pills helps me sleep while you are out.
My words were a pinch on your skin and bones.
Your actions were the bullets through my mouth.

Let's stand and compare.
Your cheeks are dry.
That night I blew through every stop sign.

My life in a Radiohead song.

That there
That's not me
I go
Where I please
I walk through walls
I float down the Liffey
I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here

In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah it's gone
And I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here

Strobe lights and blown speakers
Fireworks and hurricanes
I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here

Pointless.

Well, after a long drive to the train station, and after a bunch of "Man you are such an amazing girl. I don't know what happened between us. You are so wonderful and beautiful"'s I realized that this ride was completely pointless.

Then I showed him where I worked and we pulled over to see the city skyline across the Hudson. "Let's go for a walk" He said. I knew where this was going. "Lets get back in the car. It's getting late."

Then a "I really want to kiss you." And I asked if he was seeing anyone, in which he replied he was. I then turned the other way and declined. "I hope to see you soon again."

Right. Fun. I'm tired of being someone's fun and that's it. Too bad he was incredibly adorable and successful. But, it is what it is. I'm glad that we could at least be sort of friends and I did have a good night with him.

I just really need to be alone right now. For myself. I really hope I don't meet anyone that will make me think otherwise because I have the worst flaw for falling for someone as soon as they tell me I'm beautiful. I need to focus on school. My last semester! And working better. And last but not least this music duo with Trevor, which couldnt make me happier, because I can actually be friends with him. I just hope it remains that way. I hope things don't get complicated. And as surprised as I am to say it, I hope he doesnt become a friend that I truely care and love and then has feelings for me. Because I've had too many friendships ruined to that and this is one I definitely care about keeping around. I would never want to hurt him and I know how I am. I don't ever go backwards. He is a great person and I know we can smoosh our creative abilities together and make something great.

Anyways. I'm babbling. I need to study. This week will be hectic. Back in the dating world just so I can meet new faces and replace old ones that are a bad influence and speak badly about me beneath their breaths. Date with Dave on Friday should be cute. Seeing Stefan and taking him to Loop on Wednesday should also be fun. I'm slowly warming up to him. Then seeing this guy on Saturday that my friend is setting me up with. Should be interesting. I just love meeting new people. And learning new things. I'm in no mood to settle down and fall for anyone. I fell for someone amazing and it was what it was. And I don't think I'll find someone like him again, so I'll stick to what I do best. Meeting and Deleting.

Sadie is observing the stars on my ceiling. I wonder if she can find the big dipper.

Man I love this dog.

beauty supreme.
Yeah, you were right about me.
But can I get myself out from underneath
This guilt that will crush me
and in the choir I saw our sad Messiah.
He was bored and tired of my laments.
Said, "I died for you one time, but never again"
Never again, never again.

Well I love you so much, but do me a favor baby, don't reply.
because I can dish it out, but I can't take it.

Well take me, take me back to your bed
I love you so much that it hurts my head
Say I don't mind you under my skin
I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in
When we were made we were set apart
Life is a test and I get bad marks
Now some saint got the job of writing down my sins
The storm is coming, the storm is coming in

Oh I'm in trouble.

Stupid butterflies. Stupid Stupid butterflies. He's some boy from the past. Man, why is he still so darn adorable. Of course I'm driving him to the train station tonight. Sigh.

I'm glad.

We raked away the dead leaves.
The dying trees have been plowed.
The rotten apples have all been picked.
We dressed as garbage collectors and
cleaned up our roads.
Shedding off the old skin.
So we can now begin.
Winter is coming.
Winter is coming.
Let's make a New Years soundtrack.

It's Impossible to Find a Parking Spot in Alphabet City

Around my birthday, I met this great guy Chris. We dated for a month and things were amazing. Movie magic. Of course, I wasn't ready to settle down so things went sour. He made me learn a lot, and although he did too see my ugly side, I'm extremely glad we can be friends now. In fact I will be seeing him tonight since he is back in Jersey visiting his parents. I love how things work out sometimes. But anyways, this is a song I wrote about him..

It's Impossible to find a spot in Alphabet City

it was my birthday

you had joined me for a smoke

my friend warned you about me

but you didn't care

it took only minutes for you to wisk me

away to the city

you said i was beautiful

you couldnt help but stare

snap of fingers

we were in your shower

brushing our teeth

and laughing till it hurt

you traced my bodies outline

like a crime scene

my blood went cold

as i sank my teeth into your shirt

the sheep started soring

you played the piano for me

the village was still moving

you played the piano for me

it blocked out the traffic

and eased me to sleep

id wake up next morning

you left a note that read

"here is money for coffee

and a breakfast sandwich my sweet"

i wandered the streets on st marks

and smiled at the bums

i smelt you off the shirt on my back

as the sidwalk scorched my feet

snap of fingers

we were in your kitchen

the salmon was burning

and the brocolli reeked

you placed me on the counter

and held your nose

i said sorry for the stink

you smiled and told me not to speak

the sheep started soring

you played the piano for me

the village was still moving

you played the piano for me

it blocked out the traffic

and eased me to sleep

it was not long until i said goodnight to st. marks

my ugly side stained your satin sheets

it was not long until i said goodnight to alphabet city

i had made my escape