Started up again. Just slightly.

At 1:16 pm I wrote...

It's starting. Choking feeling. Loss of breath. I wish I could sit and talk to you. I'm going to cry soon. Back to being overdramatic and changing moods faster than a rocket. I don't want to know about your life. I won't ever be in it again because I ruined it. I need to calm down. I want to get along with you. Negative thinking spinning in my head. Maybe this isn't a good idea. It...fuck. Just stop thinking.

I got better. Felt good and calm.

Present time...

Everyone's asking for me...everyone except you. These people make me sick because I know what they really want from me. "Please make it out tonight, I'd love to see you." I picture a creepy dude, cigarette in mouth and sly grin. You make me want to hurl.

I just got a mug at work from people who work here. I feel so special. It's so pretty sitting next to my computer. Oh, and a water bottle with the company's logo. And a bag. I am such a nerd....I pulled the same stunt of excitement when I got a MMC logo pen, btw. These are the little things that make me smile.

But I need to think about something else. Not him. Not Meghan. Not the past. I want it all back too badly. I'm going to go scan this stuff and have a cigarette.

Racing thoughts

Sometimes I'm ok. I feel like I belong somewhere. But it doesn't take a lot for me to snap back into feeling hopeless or determined to get something I know I'll never get. I don't even know if this makes any sense. By the time my brain stops thinking one thought, I can't remember it in time to write it down.My thoughts are constantly racing. I want to stay in this relaxed state. I cling to it praying and begging for it to not go away. I'm at work right now. I am going to stick to this journal. Yeah ok. What if I'm skitzo? Man I wish I was normal and relaxed. But maybe that's boring. I take people on a wild ride. An emotional rollercoaster. One minute I'm smiling at the pain I'm bringing them. Next I'm ashamed. But I'll never admit it. I'll never admit it when I am genuinely sorry. I say I'm sorry when I want something in return. I've never uttered more fakeness in my life than when I tell someone I'm sorry. When I am genuinely sorry, I go out of my way to make the person happy. But that doesn't happen very often. I screwed up things With Trevor. Or "she" did. That screwed up part of me that doesn't trust anyone or want anyone to come in. She tests people to see their strength and if they will stay. And then I'm left here crying and feeling that genuine sorry-ness. Because of her actions. This thing ruins me. It ruins any chances of me staying happy. I get so happy and then I sabotage it. Man, I did not just refer to myself in third person. But Trevor is just another victim on a never ending list. I shouldn't have thrown out his note. It'd make me feel better. Remembering that he once knew that real side of me that gets overshadowed by this crazed lunatic, and he actually liked her. Why cant I just stay that way?.....Keeping myself busy. The minute I have time to think, I slowly feel myself slipping.