Headache and Muscleache and Heartache

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love…

Live through this, and you won't look back…
Live through this, and you won't look back…
Live through this, and you won't look back…

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say

I'm not sorry there's nothing to say...

I remember

I remember a faraway laugh
a sweet caress
you'd help me zip up my dress

And I remember your arms around my neck
twenty one shells wrapped in a nest
endlessness
didn't last

I won't change
given
the chance

I remember no place for me to hide
before you came home at night

I remember you turnin out the lights
all i ever saw was the red in your eyes

no big surprise
happened nearly every night
your own flesh & blood
I did wonder why...

I remember not knowing what to say
and how calm you had remained
I remember the never ending summer rain
___
please don't let
what was
get in the way of
what's next

don't forget
that what's to come
hasn't come yet

I keep on having new dreams every night and in it you concoct a new way of leaving me. And a new reason as to why. I must have woke up 5 times last night after taking 4 benadryls and passing out around 10pm. I woke up at 5 am and thought, "I've had enough of these dreams." And I was determined to not go back to bed. But then I realized the things I think are usually worse than any bad nightmare I have, so I gave up and went back to bed. Its 10am. In Connecticutt. This house is cold and huge. Multiple doors in each room leading to a new room or hallway or stairway leading to a different part of the house. I tried wasting time my trying to see where every door leads too. I gave up eventually. Too many doors. I feel sick. I can't stop feeling sick. I wondered where you went last night and if you were having fun. I need to get over this. It's not healthy.

Good Riddens.

I hope you leave and never come back.

So

I've come to realize that I am the most misunderstood girl in the world and no one actually knows me, except for a few people. More like a couple. As in two. Yeah....I'm going to go enjoy my coffee today and try not to think about anything other than work and school.

Tail lights are fading

Your tail lights are fading in my head.

Getting smaller and smaller.

It took only a week.

I'm getting better at this.

And I couldn't be sadder.

We all dream of having a cold heart, but when you actually get it, you detest it.

That feeling. That infatuation. It's gone.

Do you.

Do you enjoy this?
I believe you do.

I went to the bar last night with Kamila to see the Speakeasy. I didn't want to be there. I don't want to talk to anyone.

My one friend doesn't appreciate his girlfriend. I want to shake him. He's so lucky to have someone. At the end of your life, none of this will matter but who is with you when you die, well, IF someone is with you when you die. Otherwise you leave alone. You die lonely with no hand to hold as you retreat to wherever we go. I don't believe in God and I have a cross on my chest. I am a walking contradiction.

Everyone I know is telling me to just be alone. Learn about myself. Try telling me that when you're alone. You won't. You'll respond, "yeah this sucks." I wish people would put themselves in my shoes sometimes. I know who I am. My dilemma is finding someone who can deal with who I am, because not a lot of people can. Right? Yeah...

Man, I'm a bitter person right now. This is not me.

I have a Radiohead lyric stuck in my head. "Why so green and lonely?"

I just looked at my coffee mug that my job gave me. It says, "Be green."

Life, you toy with me too much sometimes.

What will I do today? Go home around 5:30pm. Grab a piece of cheese. Go to my living room. Throw my cell phone and lap top in the trash. Wishful thinking. Turn on the TV. Press 52, automatically, since I've been programmed since 12 to turn on MTV, which I don't watch anymore. Anyways, so I'll press 52. Then, without even seeing whats on, I'll change it. Most likely spoiled kids showing their houses off. Then I'l hit 33. Commercial. I'm too impatient to wait. So I'll turn on 34, TBS. Everybody loves Raymond. I'm not feeling funny today. Change. Hit 55. Comedy Central. Commercial about some sort of Restaurant. At this point I just turn back on Everybody Loves Raymond. Fight with my mother. Zone out. Make strange noises at Sadie. Wonder if the car I hear outside belongs to anyone I know. It doesn't. But I get glimmers of hope. Not that I'd want to see anyone anyways. Maybe Clint Eastwood stopping for directions. Imagine?

I just rambled. Because I'm bored. And angry. And upset. And tired. And confused. I would like someone to take over and tell me what to do. I don't know how to fix this. The triangle block is not fitting into the circle hole. And the whole cube is full of circle holes. I'm a fucking triangle in a circle world. When I was little, I never had the patience to figure out where to put in the blocks. So I'd throw the cube around till it cracked in half. I guess i do that in life. I force things instead of just letting them fit.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

I want to make an epiphany in this blog. Ready? No. Nothing.I might go for a walk.

I write in this blog, because I always hope that one day. One day I'll look back at it. And I'll be happy and content. And I'll remember this and smile because I am ok. I wish future Alex would send me a telegram and let me know things will be okay.

I need to get out of here. Out of a state that is full of heartless and cold people that whisper my name under their breaths. Out of a state of people that sucked me up for "fun" and then dropped me when I let my walls down.

I'm trying to think of where my life was last year at this point. I was still heavily upset over Chris. I believe that slut Linnaea called me around this time to tell me she was fucking him. That was lovely. A real treat, let me tell you. I was still friends with Meghan. And Fredi and I were inseparable. We were going to Boston. And had the greatest time. I was so happy just being with the two of them. I didn't need anyone. Did I? I don't know.

And then Halloween came. I was Goldilocks, since I had blonde hair still then. This guy Brian that I met through my friend called me and asked to meet up. It was about 2 am. I was in a slutty Goldilocks costume. Half drunk. Lost in Paterson with no gas. I remember running into a local Dunkin Donuts and crying to the police officer to get me out of here, in which he did. I finally made it to the back of Brian's tattoo parlor. We talked for hours. And clicked.

Man, I've had about 15 repeats of that.

I'm just so great, right?

I'm tired of people telling me I'm so great and an amazing girl. Such bull. Save the fucking pity party for a day when I'm not around.